Sunday, December 30, 2012

Black Moon

O Moon,
I saw you as black as night,
Sans halo, sans shadow
I stare at you in silent
Hoping, wishing, praying
For the lights I've grown to love
To come back to me

O Moon,
It pained me wondering
Was there something I did
Are you mad at me
Was there something I should do
To bring the lights back to you
But you stare blankly at me; a black moon

O Moon,
As I sit here waiting for your lights
Even if it's not meant to be tonight
Please know that you're always there in my thoughts
Forever edged in the depth of my heart
Perhaps tomorrow night you'll shine bright
And I'll be here waiting for that angelic sight... :-)

Me ~ RIP Q...:-(

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Roll Over

When I was younger, my mom always tell me 'dalam berkawan biarlah berpada' which more or less meant in her view be careful in seeking friendships. Maybe she was just protecting me from unnecessary bad influences and didn't want me to get hurt. The thing about me then was, when I befriended someone , I usually gave him or her my all - No holds barred. So when I get hurt or betrayed, I would usually find myself deeply hurt and affected by it all, not to mention my future trust in people. Come to think of it, that's one of the main reasons I have been rather aloof all this while. As I grow older, I start to be a bit picky with whom I mingled and befriended with. And the ones I have close at heart are those I go along with very well, the ones that actually have a 'sync' mind with me :-) I don't know how I know, but I just know haha... (people who made me rolled my eyes are usually not the ones hahahaha) I don't have many friends but the ones I have, I dare say would do anything for me, if need be and I would do the same for them. We can go for months without talking, but when we picked up the phone or meet, we would pick up on where we left off, like it was yesterday :-)

Although, several years have passed and several encounters with various characters may have 'dilute' my sense of choice in friends or the need to have them in the first place, my initial way of choosing friends and being with them remained basically the same. There are times due to some unplanned circumstances I became friends with people that I can't 'sync' with, but I tried as much as possible to put myself in their shoes and understand where they came from, in attempts to go along with them. But haha surprise! surprise! it doesn't usually last very long. I think, once I started to have the tendency to roll my eyes and start 'talking' in my heart about them, then that's it for me. I know then, that I am no longer considering the friendship a viable one, since it would bring more harm than good, especially if I have started to 'kutuk'2 them in my heart. I might as well stay away from them. It's better for all. 

Some will be asking where am I going with this? I am not sure, just felt like writing about this today. Or maybe because yesterday I rolled my eyes and started talking in my heart over a 'friend's' conversation on something. I guess it's time to leave this one behind...

Me ~ With 56 days to go, Alhamdulillah I'm getting better. Can't wait for tomorrow!! :-D

Saturday, December 15, 2012

I'm not wide awake...

The past couple of weeks have been difficult for me. When your body and mind won't cooperate with one another it's problematic to get any work done. I'm totally flat by 8 and fast asleep before 9 pm. The hormone countering therapy must be completed every 2-3 hours, which makes any other plannings restricted to those timelines or else everything else will start to fall apart too. Last week, I manage to scrap through work taking one day at a time. I couldn't bring myself to prepare my usual weekly attires during the weekend, preparing whatever it is I eventually choose to wear daily instead. Not as efficient as usual. But I still did manage to reach the office fully attired ;-). In class, I pretended everything's alright, although all I thought of is dozing off. Alhamdulillah, all my degree classes have been finalised. No teaching only need to deal with tests and quizes, which made my stay in class a minimum.

During weekends things got even worst. Most hours of the day would be spent lying on my back or taking long naps. My only solace is when I got to 'berborak' about things with friends. Then, I would suddenly forgot my exhaustion. But of course, weekends make that activity rather restricted since it's theirs and my time for families too. Anyway, if I don't know better, I would have thought I am depressed. Lucky me, everyone in the household, including Luqman understood my situation and leave me be. I'm due for another check up next week. Hopefully, all is going to turn out well, since January is going to be a hectic month. With 60 more days left, I need to be me 200%, In Shaa Allah.

Me~ 





This song reminds me of a friend in a crisis. Unless this friend accept the fact that s/he needs to let go in order to move on, then s/he's going to be in that crisis forever. But most of us tend to forget letting go is not as easy as throwing things out the window and walking on. When it involved feelings and emotion, it gets difficult and if the attachment reaches the level of addiction or is due to self pride, then it gets even more problematic. Fully letting go entails you throwing things out the window and ideally forget you ever had them in the first place. Is that even possible? I doubt it. But still when the time comes, do you really need to be "Falling from cloud 9, Crashing from the high" before you realize "Gravity hurts...(when you) woke up on the concrete" before you actually let go? Perhaps that's what s/he needs...eventually. May Allah show the way, In Shaa Allah.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The test is...

The test is to get your children to perform the solah without you instructing them.

The test is to let your younger children grow at their own pace and not be disillussioned and fascinated by all the fancy full-frills preschool and kinder.

The test is to make your children feel content with whatever they have and be grateful.

The test is to teach your children to be prudent even when they know they have the means to have something.

The test is to raise better and happier children from mom and dad's role more than total reliance on third parties.

The test is not to compare your children with others and enjoy them as they are.
The test is to let your children be children... and yourself a better involved parents.

And at the same time, the test is also not to be judgmental of other people's way and decision in raising their children!

Me ~ Exhausted beyond anything I've experienced before and with 65 more days to go I hope Allah will give me some reprieve soon. Wanting to be in the best of health when the time comes, In Shaa Allah.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

A Friendship Test...

I placed a call to my supervisor yesterday at his home wanting to discuss my thesis' correction plans. He was having a urological problem last month and had to go through a laser surgery at the end of November. Since it's almost a week post surgery, I caught him in good spirit :-) He said "It's good to hear from your charming self" (I was thinking then, since when pulak I became charming:-p). The discussion was of course started off asking about his health. At one point the gist of the conversation was rather embarrassing but considering him at 60, and thinking of him more so as a father figure, I just went along with the whole thing haha.. Even suggested he carry an empty bottle with him around till he recuperate fully. Hahaha we had a good laugh then, since he replied "Yes, I am (carrying the bottle) plus the sarung! But I am having issues with sense and control, you know like 'guru kencing berdiri'" LOL!!!

Eventually we discussed the corrections timeline and the publication plans. Once all was made clear, I let him talk about the others under his care and waited for one name to be raised. But he never did mentioned it. You see, he recently encountered or should I say got himself involved in a crisis with this person. I had some background of the whole situation from the person and thought that maybe he'd mention the matter considering that this person is a mutual friend of ours. But alas he did not. I guess he considered the matter close.

Have you ever have this problem where you are too close to someone and you got worried that if you ask certain things you'd offend that person, so you kept it to yourself hoping that the matter will eventually be raised, giving you the opportunity to say something. But the opportunity never came. Well, that's how I felt, then. The whole crisis was, in my view, over a  misunderstanding of a third party's account of things which could have been resolved peacefully. But both parties believe that they are on the right side and the other, wrong. It got worst when, instead of placing a call, they emailed each other and CCed them to a few others. Emails can cause so much destruction, I have gone through a few myself being caught in between a feud or two, at work, mind you. So they are now both not on speaking terms with each other. Such a loss, after years of working together. The other person had tried to patch things up, but my supervisor being the sensitive elderly person that he was, had somewhat gave up and went on shutdown mode :-(

I myself felt rather sad and at a loss too since I don't know what else I can do to help them resolve the matter. Both parties has since gave up on one another :-( Well, I guess that's life. You can be close friends one day and enemies the next. But in their situation it shouldn't have been the case if both of them had really treasured their relationship. I mean it's common that in a friendship, you get hurt from time to time, but if it is based on sincerity and honesty, I'm sure they will pass this test. I really hope they do. Really do...

Me ~ Going through the same test. Maybe I have failed :-(. But who knows, hearts change. 70 days to go...

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Aku pergi untuk dia...

To throw off all those 'evil eyes' (as the Turks would call them) trying to 'digest' my current state of mind, I hereby post this song hahaha... go ahead and digest then! :-P





Me ~ Had a good laugh today :-) which, ended with a frown...well, you can't have it all. Totally understandable. Keep on smiling :-), "Senyum, tak perlu kata apa-apa". I am so glad for all those friends who'd text and call over my Sunday post. If you had called and text me or query about me through another, I guess my friends, you are all alright, then.. hehe... I am happy to have you as my friends. Hopefully the feeling is mutual :-)

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Tiada Kelas!!

Don't you  just hate it having someone who claimed to be your friend, but only comes to you when they need help?! When they have found their way out, they simply couldn't care less about you. Usual rationale - they are doing you a favour because they 'tak nak kacau' you dah. WHT?!! Ok, Fine, fine maybe it's still acceptable based on the principle that some people are born to help and some are usually on the receiving ends of things. Ok, ok aku masih boleh terima. 

Tapi yang aku tak boleh terima, bila this kind of so-called friend yang dahlah asyik menempek time susah, then 'obliviate' from the face of the earth time senang, pastu boleh pulak behind my back 'bertukar' menjadi backstabbing bloodsuckers yang tak boleh tengok orang lebih sikit daripada dia, tak puas hati, dengki, sakit hati and then start tabur2 cerita to make my life miserable!! Ini dinamakan 'kawan' yang tidak ada kelas!!!

Ok, this is a rare, out of order evening outburst. Please forgive this post. I have run out of songs in my jukebox to express my feelings. I am sorry Q. Really do. I will learn to calm down after this...I promise...whoosaaa...whoosaaa...whoosaaaa....

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Home

Happy December everyone. This beautiful song by Philip Philips reminds me of Home. And home is where the heart is. Know that you are not alone. Allah is always watching over you :-)




Home

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home 

Me ~ Especially dedicated to a dear friend... Please don't pay no mind to the demons. I will pray you find your way 'home' :-)

Friday, November 30, 2012

On the move...

Apabila sudah tidak 'sakit' lagi dengan duniawi ini, kebolehan penulisan kreatif pun menyusut. Patutlah kebanyakan penulis terkenal dunia Western dianggap sebagai 'tormented souls' ;-) Well, you can't have it all. Alhamdulillah, for the freeing of heart and mind. Terasa begitu liberating. It's now time to get back to work. Masa utk gunapakai sebaiknya sokongan dan kebebasan yang diberi oleh my DH to move forward.

First order of things is to get the thesis examiner's report replied and the necessary amendments made and submitted paling lewat bulan Januari. Then, the paper for my Sydney trip in March perlu dihantar bulan Januari juga.

Then, I need to get ready for my 'find my way' trip in February and my 'cover what's left' trip to Australia in March :-p. In the meantime, need to get a paper ready for publication. All the while, will also need to get through the exams period and also getting ready for class in February. I have been mopping around long enough. Masanya telah tiba untuk bergerak pantas, need to move on or be moved along ;-) Semoga dipermudahkan olehNya, In Shaa Allah. Ameen :-)

Me ~ Forgive and forget. Will I ever be good at it? Time will tell...

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Anecdotes :-)

Banyak perkara mencuit hati hari ini. I guess if you opt to be happy, there's just too many things that can make you happy. To be happy is a conscious effort. Happiness doesn't come accidentally. You need to put an effort into it :-)

Earlier today, ada seseorang mengetuk-ngetuk pintu bilik pejabatku. Apabila kubuka pintu, nampaklah seorang lelaki berketayap putih memegang planner Syarikat Prudential. (Dalam hati - mesti nak jual insurance polisi ni) Benar sungguh sebab, antara ayat mula dia adalah bertanya pasal medical card. Malas nak melayan, aku berterus-terang sahaja yang aku sudah punya polisi, malah skrg dlm masa transisi sehingga tahun depan kami sekeluarga semuanya doubly insured. Ada beberapa lagi lah persoalan yang diajukan sambil membantu aku memegang daun pintu. Tak lama kemudian, tersedarkan situasi kami berbual di muka pintu, lalu aku kata: "Maaflah encik saya tak jemput masuk, saya tengah marking ni" (Alasan dengan niat benar) Lalu dia balas: " Takper, saya memang suka bercakap-cakap begini" (Merujuk kepada situasi bercakap di depan muka pintu) hahaha dalam hati aku nak tergelak sangat, pastu berfikir cara terbaik nak mengundurkan diri. Aku cadangkan dia bertemu dengan seorang rakan lain yang mungkin berminat. Maka dia berpuas hati dan berlalu, hahaha selamat daripada berbual kosong. My least favourite activity.

Kemudian selepas Zohor, aku terima panggilan balas daripada a friend I have been consulting my livelihood lately :-P. Actually, once every fortnight we will talk on the phone. Up to an hour, sampai panas telefon hahaha. Nak on speaker phone, takut jiran tetangga pejabat ni terdengar lah pulak riuh rendah kami berborak, bergelak ketawa, takpun bercucuran airmata huhuhu... So selalu ayat2 pertama dia akan tanya "How are you?" My usual answers dulu2 sama jer. But today I said: " You know what, I am good actually, pretty good in fact" And then she said: "Really?" And I said: "Yes, really" and we both burst out laughing (Oh I hope my neighbors will please excuse us hahaha). I don't even know why we chose to laugh then, but we did and it felt good :-) She always make me laugh, anyway. So today I just let her tell her stories for the day. As usual, she was very 'entertaining'. In real life with her facial expression and all is joyful to watch :-) Yes, sometimes I do miss meeting her, but leaving so far from the city centre makes frequent meet a difficult venture. We planned to meet next month, and she said "Yes, let's go, get ourselves some junk food" and " I said yes, let's do that", laughing again. The idea is a total contrast to whatever fitness principles she held. But I always tell her, "Let's eat whatever we feel like eating, then we will work it off" hahaha... Till we meet next month then, because soon enough I have to be in class. We said our goodbyes, and I prep for class.

On my way to class on another building, two young girls waved towards me, excusing themselves nak tanya "Kat mana tempat nak makan lunch". So I showed them how to get there. At the end of the conversation, they thanked me and one of them tanya: "Lecturer ke student?" Aku jawab " Lecturer." Then dia balas: "Mudanya lecturer". Aku tersenyum. (Dalam hati biar benar diaorang ni. Nak kena Lasik jugak ke mata diaorg ni :-P Agaknya sebab pakai kasut sketchers, the in thing 'cikgu bedah' glasses dan bawak beg recycle ala2 Melbourne kut hahaha) Aku cakap: "Mana muda, saya dah 35 dah" and walked along to class sambil tersengih-sengih, which doesn't last very long, sbb kena panjat tangga sampai tingkat 4 huhuhu...

So moral of the story - kena bersyukur dengan segala yang ada. Bila sedih kena bersyukur, sebab di dalam setiap kesedihan pasti ada kegembiraan. Kegundahan itu penting, kerana ia membuatkan kesukaan itu lebih berharga. Happiness must be sought after. To be happy is a choice. And I choose to be a happy person even if I am not :-) 

A Guide from Beyond





























Sebu hatiku
Sudah pasti
Andai tahanan jiwa
Adalah empangan kepenuhan
Secalit kata, seulas senyuman
Umpama kunci yang
Bisa melepaskan segala
Maka sia-sialah semuanya
Jika kata dan senyuman jadi taruhan
Bisa aku kelemasan semula
Dalam limpahan airmata
Maka aku akur
Sampai di sini saja harapan ini
Kerna sukacitanya sementara
Apa perlunya berdukacita
Kerna dukacitanya pun sementara :-)

Me ~ Received a guide from beyond. Yes, me happy, happy, happy :-) Yes, me very stubborn, me know, thank you friends from reminding me of that fact. But me not so stubborn so as not to receive and accept this sign as a good one. 77 more days to go...Alhamdulillah :-)

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Good News

Semalam selepas pulangnya Aliyah dari kelas mengaji dia terus mencari aku di tingkat atas.

"Mama, mama, I have good news! Ustazah dah suruh Aliyah baca Al-Quran yang kat muka surat depan (merujuk kpd Surah Al-Baqarah)"

"You mean Surah Al-Baqarah? Good news indeed. Alhamdulillah! So Juzu' 30 dah habis?"

"Dah!"

"Oh, bagus2, cuba baca sikit mama nak dengar."

Dia pun baca dengan excitednya. Obviously Aliyah sangat teruja sebab dia baru start kelas mengaji malam 3 hari lepas. Sebelum ini dia masih di Qiraati 5. In fact in my view she should finished up book 5 & 6 to really grasp all the basics. But if the Ustazah thinks she should move up the ladder and terus ke Al-Quran, then why not. I have no doubt she'll be able to read dgn lancar, soon enough.

Tapi aku terasa sangat terkesan di hati sebab she felt her achievement untuk start membaca 'full-fledge' Al-Quran sebagai 'good news'. Even masa dia dapat first place utk dua semester berturut2 tahun ini pun dia tak anggap sebagai 'good news', so I am touched she saw upgrading to reading the Quran as 'good news'. Alhamdulillah. May Allah blessed her to be the best Mukminah daughter she could ever be and me the patience and strength to lead her to be one. Semoga aku tidak leka dan lekakan anakanda semua dengan urusan duniawi semata-mata. In Shaa Allah. Ameen.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Nur Kasih



Lewat ini ku rasakan
Kasih kian ku dambakan
Resah hati yang ku pendam
Pada takdir dan harapan

Detik waktu dan suratan
Siapa tahu ketentuan
Ku mencari cahayanya
Dalam bayang kegelapan

Nur kasih
Nur kasih

Nasib hidup dan pilihan
Lain hukum setiap insan
Mengharapkan perjalanan
Dalam maya kesamaran

Nur kasih
Nur kasih

Aku kembali kerana masih
Mencari yang hakiki
Sinar pasti
Janji suci yang abadi

Ooo kasih
Nur kasih
Oh nur kasih
Nur kasih

Aku kembali kerana
Masih mencari yang hakiki
Sinar pasti
Janji suci yang abadi

Nur nur ya nur kasih
Nur ya nur kasih
Nur nur kasih
Nur kasih


Me ~ That longing look, the tears, the pain, if that's how it's going to be for everyone else to be happy, then my feelings are secondary. May I have faith in the secrets He holds. But would I ever look at the moon the same again... Soon, 80 days will come and go.  

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Dari Sinar Mata


Semalam while driving home, lagu ini berkumandang di radio. Sungguh nostalgia :-P Tersengih-sengih aku sendirian terkenang zaman2 persekolahan dulu. Sampaikan semasa menanti traffic lights merah bertukar hijau, pakcik bawak lori sebelah kereta aku sibuk nak mengorat sambil menawarkan rambutan gading seikat melalui tingkap. Adoi!! Agaknya dia ingat aku dok senyum2 kat dia hahahahaha...Sabor jerlah :-) Bila fikir balik, harusnya aku ambik saja rambutan tu hahaha...ada gak hasilnya tersengih sorang2 :-P

Anyway, ramai yang akan menganggap lagu ini hanya lah sekadar lagu cintan cintun, cinta muda mudi, jiwang2 karat, tak gitu? :-) Tapi cubalah hayati liriknya, Masya Allah, ianya ditujukan khas buat semua yang mencintai Allah. 


Engkau di mataku adalah cahaya perjalanan ku
Terang menyuluh segala
Yang tersembunyi
Lama kucari
Sudah pasti ada jawapannya
Kemungkinan itu


Kalau Opick atau Afghan yang menyampaikan lagu ini dengan chord yang berbeza pasti maksud sebenar di sebalik lagu ini lebih kesampaian di lubuk hati. Apapun, I am touched...

Sudah sekian lama fikiranku agak berkecamuk. Sesungguhnya banyak perkara yang bermain-main di dalam fikiran. Cuma kadangkala malas mahu diluahkan. Tetapi memendam perasaan pun kadangkala boleh membawa kepada lebih banyak kemudharatan. Lagu ini membuatkan aku terfikir, ya, semua yang terjadi 'pasti ada sebaliknya satu rahsia'. Ya sekarang memang agak kelat untuk ditelan, namun siapa tahu suatu hari nanti 'hati di taman berbunga'. Harusnya aku bersyukur dengan kecelaruan ini. Bak kata Rumi: "Suffering is a gift: In it is hidden mercy".

Semalam, sesungguhnya aku sangat berkecil hati dengan seorang teman yang lebih mahu mendengar 'nasihat' seorang kawan yang kami berdua pun tahu adalah kawan yang bermasalah sepanjang kami mengenalinya. Semalaman aku memikirkan after all that we have both been through 'diseksa' orang ini, mengapa dia lebih mahu mengambil nasihat daripadanya. Semalam aku sangat-sangat terasa. Terasa seperti aku ini kawan kelas kedua :-( Namun hari ini, aku kembali berfikir, mungkin ini lah dikatakan 'pasti ada sebaliknya satu rahsia'. Aku akur. Hari ini I have decided to let the matter go. Biarlah... In Shaa Allah it is for the better. I forgive you my dear friend and I will forget about it - something I rarely do in my lifetime. I never forgive and forget. Status imanku masih belum taraf itu. But for you, I will forget :-)

As of late, I have also put someone I know well on high alert observation. Dia perlu berubah menjadi seseorang yang lebih baik. Dia kelihatan akur. Namun, semalam, aku melihat bagaimana seksanya dia mahu melakukan apa yang dia telah janjikan. Apabila mahu marah, dia menahan2 daripada berkata2 memberi arahan, sebaliknya melakukan perkara tersebut sendiri. Maka aku tahu dia sedang mencuba. Aku pula harus memberinya peluang, masa untuk mendekati dan menghayati perubahan yang dia fikirkan terbaik untuk semua. Maybe after all this while, there's a glimmer of hope that it will happen. Aku perlu percaya ianya adalah 'Satu Impian dan Satu Harapan' yang masih boleh direalisasikan. In Shaa Allah, if it is for the better, it will turn out the way it should be...

Aku pula masih bergelumang dengan banyak tugasan yang belum lagi siap. Kebanyakannya kertas kerja yang aku sendiri tak lalu nak tengok, termasuk lah pembetulan dan laporan thesis PhD. Sesungguhnya hati sudah lama berkira-kira mahu berhenti kerja saja. Kadangkala terfikir adakah I am in the right line of work. My mind is always thinking of travelling and seeing the world. Tak perlu terikat dengan sesiapa, mana-mana organisasi, mahupun kekangan kewangan. Aku mahu jadi sukarelawan, mahu mahir dalam sesuatu yang aku suka dan gembira untuk lakukan secara percuma, aku mahu menggembirakan dan berupaya turut sama berasa empati ke atas kesusahan orang lain. Truly, I now admit that I am a person who is neither here nor there. Sampai bila?? Terasa lemas, Hanya Allah yang tahu. Sesungguhnya aku mengharapkan Ya Allah 'Kau hulur tanganMu, Membawa ku ke atas semula'... Make me into someone who benefits others...

Me ~ So the countdown begins: less than 85 days to go...

Monday, November 19, 2012

Dealing with my own soul

Yesterday, I received a text from a good friend in Melbourne. Soon enough I was on the phone with her. I was at my mom's so reception was great and we got to chat awhile.

At first, I told her, in a bid for us not to talk about anyone else, I asked her to talk about herself. We talked when it was already 1 am Melbourne time because apparently she was lonely. Her husband was away and will be away for sometime. I laugh at her and teased her on her husband's whereabouts because I thought it was pretty sweet they way she'd missed her husband and not able to sleep.

The conversations of course eventually encroached on other topics, other people. Some I would rather not know, because deep down some of the contents of the conversations really touched me to my core. It's like a wound that won't heal. But there are times I can't help it, I gave in. I am just too weak. Just like how Imam Al- Ghazali put it so beautifully: which in a nutshell basically means ~ I can be my soul worst's enemy! Astaghfirullah...


Sunday, November 18, 2012

Help the people of Gaza and Syria

Forget all your pain and sorrows and help alleviate the pain and sorrows of the children of Gaza and Syria. Click here for the Children of Gaza and here for the Children of Syria to donate.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Dusta

Anything built on a lie will never last. Once you start one you'll have to keep on piling the lies. One day, eventually you found that your lies caught up with you. Then, everything will start to fall part.

You can start remedying the situation by telling the truth; but like the boy who cried 'wolf' when there was none, I doubt your truth will be accepted as one anymore once you are found to be a liar. At least that's how I would see it. Perhaps those you lied to are willing to give you a second chance. They are simply too kind. But know that the experience being lied to by you will always be there at the back of their mind.

The next time you thought of living of a lie - remember! it will never last!!! In a friendship, you'll lose an ally in every single person you lied to. In a relationship, you'll lose the trust and faith of your companion. Anything built on a lie will never last...

Me ~ Teringat lirik lagu Nirwana Band: 'Sudah cukup cukup sudah, Cukup sampai di sini saja, Daripada hati gelisah, Cintaku kau balas dengan dusta'...

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Hijrah Demi Masa 1434

Salam Ma'al Hijrah 1434h buat semua. Buatlah sesuatu yang lebih baik untuk diri sendiri dan semua di sekeliling anda. Namun, usahlah terkesan dengan definisi 'baik' orang lain. Baik bagi orang lain tidak semestinya baik bagi kita (and vice versa) :-)

Aku mengharapkan Allah masih memberikan masa dan kesempatan buat diri hambanya yang hina ini menyelesaikan beberapa perkara di tahun hijrah yang baru ini. Sesungguhnya, aku perlu masa, masa untuk menyusun keutamaan, masa untuk membuat pembetulan tesis dan menutup bab PhD dalam hidupku, masa untuk berfikir, masa untuk membuat pilihan, masa untuk berhijrah hati. Semoga Allah berikanku sedikit kekuatan hati dan minda yang seiring, kerana sesungguhnya aku sudah bosan mendengar apa saja berkenaan dengan PhD apatah lagi mahu melihatnya kembali!

Jikalau ditanya tentu ramai yang masih 'berjuang' akan menyatakan perkara yang sama. Inikan pula aku yang punya alasan tersendiri menjerumuskan diri ini pun boleh bosan, apatah lagi mereka2 yang hanya punya 'common reason along the lines of increasing knowledge, career development' dan sebagainya... Ya, aku punya alasan lain. Alasan yang lebih besar, besar daripada diriku sendiri. Namun, Allah masih belum makbulkan niat itu. Ironinya, semua 'common reason' itu pula yang hadir di dalam kehidupanku. Adalah hikmahnya, Insya Allah, suatu masa nanti pastikan ku tahu... Sementara itu, aku perlukan sedikit masa, masa untuk merenung hakikat kehidupanku dan masa untuk membuat penilaian kendiri. Mungkin jua masa untuk menghilangkan diri ;-)

Me ~ @ Padang Mat Sirat, Langkawi...


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Madly Happy

A new friend once told me: "It doesn't really matter what you do; but you'd have to make yourself happy and content first. You'll need to take care of yourself first, then only can you care for those around you and make them happy."

I think long and hard about this statement and wonder about several things. Perhaps there's a truth in the statement. Even air stewardess would tell you that in an emergency you should use the oxygen mask on yourself first before caring for those under your care. I guess this action goes with similar principle: You first, then your wards - not so much because you're a selfish person who had to survive, but more so because unless and until you are able to survive, there's no way you rescue your wards.

But survival and being happy is actually two different thing. Is it not?! Many times, feelings don't go along with actions. Remember the times when you are just too exhausted to handle your excited children by yourself during a holiday in a not so child-friendly hotel; do you just drop everything and leave them wherever they are? I doubt it. You'd still try to smile at them, save them. Maybe half-heartedly. Would they notice? I am not sure. Maybe...maybe not. Would they care? Maybe...maybe not. As long as Mama appears to be present; they are content.

So where is the truth in the statement then? One don't really need to be happy to make others happy. One can be a like a candle, burning itself to give light to others. Do people actually wonder how the candle would feel? Does it really matter? As long as lights enlighten the place, why would a burning candle's feeling really matter. Right??

Obviously, I am mad at something... And this post represent my resentment over several things this past couple of months. Even an ongoing holiday can't seem to change this resentment. And what would people know??!! I am mad, angry and frustrated at myself. I am mad, I am angry and I am frustrated because for the first time in 10 years I have allowed myself to be hurt again. I have allowed myself to 'feel' again... And seriously, I don't want to face any of this pain. I should've continued like zombies...ongoing & pain-free; although they do looked so full of pain. But the key is they kept on going.

Perhaps, what my friend wanted to emphasize was the quality of it all. If you are truly, madly, deeply happy, then perhaps it becomes contagious in the quality of other people's love in your life and hence their abilities and capabilities. They become high achievers, excellent performers and outstanding people not only academically but also more than that. Really? Is that how it should be? I don't seem to know anymore. I have most things planned next year... And it doesn't seem to be dependent on my being madly happy. Sometimes you are not, but you still need to carry on...

P/S: I think one of the hardest thing to do in life is to cry silently in your heart. May Allah gave us all the will and strength to carry on...

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Good Company

Yesterday, I had lunch alone again. Not that I particularly love it, but nowadays I kinda like eating alone. You are in and out in less than 15 minutes. Sometimes you really want to cut short all the pathetic thoughts that come with eating alone, so you take even less time :-) And that plus the fact that I won't have the usual 'selera' when eating with lots of company. And people keep asking me why am I 'kurus'? haha...susah nak jawab. They'd prefer to hear things like ohhh...I sakit jiwa, sakit hati or maybe jatuh hati that's whylah I kurus. Nothing of the sorts of - ' I exercised like crazee' kind of statements, which I still do, by the way :-)

But to tell the truth, the one person I really love eating out with is ~ Aliyah. Aliyah makes a very good company. She won't leave me at the table after orders are made, she won't wander around in the mall or the adjoining sites until the ordered foods are cold, she won't make me feel like I am eating alone, despite the fact I have company. She also won't gossip about other people's life, she won't talked about the problems of the world and be judgmental, she won't talk beyond whatever is contained in her short life. She would just sit there and make excited happy faces, while we chose what to eat and waited for them to arrive. When the food arrived, she would concentrate on her food and when I smile looking at her getting so 'involved' with the food, she would smile back at me :-) Aliyah also makes a very good food critic. She sure know if the food is good or bad. Sure sometimes she whined about things she wanted to buy along the way, sometimes she 'merajuk' over some things and 'overtalk' and 'membebel' about certain things she's passionate about, and she sure do have high taste in restaurants and food, (my mistake for introducing her haha) but she's the best company for going and eating out. In a nutshell, she really knows how to make me feel appreciated, every time we go eat out together. No dramas...just gratitude that mama ask her to join mama in her quest of spending money over good food, Alhamdulillah :-)

Can't imagine having any other daughter as company. Having beautiful Aliyah would do...at least for now :-)

First day of her life, isn't she lovely... one of the ones that really  touched your heart :-)
 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

What do I stand for?


Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure, what I stand for
What do I stand for? Oh what do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore

This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype, 
Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked, 
But here they come again to jack my style

That's alright, I found a martyr in my bed tonight
Stops my bones from wondering just who I, who I, who I am, oh who am I,

Well some nights, I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights, I always win, I always win

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for,
What do I stand for? Oh what do I stand for? 
Most nights, I don't know (come on)

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?
No. When I see stars, when I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like a swan, so come on
Oh, come on, oh, come on, oh come on!

Well that is it, guys, that is all, five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
This is not one for the folks at home, I'm sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?
My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she called "love"
But when I look into my nephew's eyes,
Man you wouldn't believe, the most amazing things, that can come from,
Some terrible nights

The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance,
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance.

Me ~ Sorry folks, still finding my own voice... am happy to let "Some Nights" by FUN do some of the talking. Can't seem to find the motivation to write again. Perhaps someday, maybe January, maybe March...why January, why March..entahlah! haha...

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Unwell

I have not been so well lately. My cough and cold kept coming back for the past two weeks. This week I slowly started losing my voice, but I continued with my lectures anyway since most of the lecture halls have microphones assisting in my 'rocker' voice projection :-P. Further, next week is going to be a long break. I don't have the heart to be replacing additional classes.

Yesterday, was the worst. I hope the next couple of days will be better. I personally also feel there's something wrong with me. I can't explain, it's just one of those feelings you have. I thought I will set up to meet my gynecologist this month and also set another medical check up with my GP and see how it goes.

Yesterday was also one of those days when all the things that should go wrong would (Oh my english!!) I was reminded once again how powerless I am. That despite accepting the fact that Allah tested you only up to the point of your capabilities, I admit and submit that I am weak! But Allah is the Protector of all hearts. Isn't Him also the one giving all those feelings running deep in your heart? I am lost. I am left wondering if this is all there is to it? Am I ungrateful to be wanting more, to be wanting some change in my life? I guess, first, I need to get well. I need to think. I need to make a decision. I need to take charge.



Sunday, November 4, 2012

Rindu Lagi...



Dalam rinduku menyesakkan dada,
Jika bisa hati melangkaui akal,
Mahu ku berlari serata alam luahkan segala,
Apakan daya semuanya menunggu masa...

Namun,
Jika kutahu sesaat lagi ajalku,
Apakah tetapkan kusimpan semua dalam hatiku?

Jika benar ini akhirnya,
Biarlahku makamkan rindu ini dalam hatiku.


Me ~ Back on Not so Creative Mode :-)..sakit menanti jawapan yang tak kunjung tiba...

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Salam Aidiladha 1433




Life post - Aidiladha should be different, shouldn't it? Maybe, maybe not...we shall see :-) Eid Mubarak to all. May the concept of 'sacrifice brings new meaning to our lives  '...

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Resepi Kimchi: Revisit :-)

Since I post my MIL's Kimchi recipe last October (click here) I have received numerous questions and inquiries about the process of making it. I think if I have started taking orders I may even have a small business on the side :-) But seriously, if you happen to be somewhere near Sungai Petani, just drop a line, I will be more than happy to make an extra batch. Self pick-up please!

Anyway, just so you know that there's various versions of Kimchi out there. In Korea different regions have different version and taste for their Kimchi. So it's pointless to question the differences in taste. The stage of fermentation when you have the kimchi will also affect its taste, not to mention its texture. Older kimchi will look slightly mushy and smell even 'worst' hahaha... But that' how it is. Alhamdulillah, I have never suffered from food poisoning from eating an 'old' Kimchi before.


I think one of the key step that I may have forgotten to inform in my earlier recipe is how the salting process should take place. I mean a lot of people just pour in the salt and start mixing them up altogether and later claimed that the kimchi is too salty. I think an important step in the salting process is to mixed in the salt in batches and to taste them all the way during the whole process. Different salt have different level of saltiness, so even if you use the same measurement you may find the problem of over-salting if you don't taste your cabbages during the salting process. The key is to strike a balance - not too much and too little salt - or else the fermentation process will fail. 


Alright with that said, please go ahead and make some for yourself. Care to make some Bulgogi and Bibimbap for me too? :-)

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Kerja

Sesungguhnya kembalinya aku bekerja sepenuh masa membawa ujian dan cabaran kehidupan yang lain pula. Tidak seperti ketika menyelesaikan pengajian PhD, tahap dan bentuk stressnya tidak sama. Ya, benar stress menyelesaikan PhD secara solo tiada bandingannya dengan stress bekerja kini. Kini stress lebih kepada menguruskan anak-anak di pagi hari persekolahan, menguruskan hal-hal berkaitan pengajaran dan pembelajaran dan juga menguruskan tugasan dengan pensyarah-pensyarah lain. Namun isu-isu melibatkan pengurusan masa tetap sama. Kerapkali aku terleka dan gagal menyelesaikan tugasan berdasarkan 'priority'nya. Boleh dikatakan aku masih mencari rentak kerja yang bersesuaian selepas hampir 4 tahun bekerja tanpa banyak karenah birokrasi. Ramai yang berpesan, akan kemungkinan berlakunya 'work shock' ini. Sememangnya di atas kertas banyak perubahan yang berlaku. Lalu, aku mengambil sikap, 'let's just take one day at a time'. Ya, mungkin 'shock' aku akan lebih mendalam sekiranya aku mahu mengadaptasi semua perubahan2 ini sekaligus.

Tugas sebagai pensyarah kini penuh dengan lambakan kertas kerja, pantau-nilai, laporan2 dan 'expectation' yang sekilas pandang amat merimaskan dan 'rigid'!! Benar, ada kebaikan sebahagian daripada 'guidelines', penilaian dan pemantauan tersebut terutama bagi tujuan audit kualiti sesuatu institusi, namun ianya seolah-olah mempersoalkan 'nilai' dan 'integrity' seorang pensyarah dalam menjalankan tugasan mereka. Aku katakan begini kerana ini tahun kesepuluhku sebagai pensyarah dan aku berani katakan, banyak perkara dan pengajaran yang disampaikan kepada anak-anak murid yang lekat di hati sebenarnya harus juga datang daripada hati pensyarah tersebut. Sekiranya seorang pensyarah hanya sekadar melunaskan tugasan hakiki mereka atas dasar memenuhi tuntutan di atas kertas, datangkanlah 100 lagi bentuk peraturan dan sebagainya, hasilnya akan tetap sama. Tiada apa2!! Urusan hati dan keikhlasan tidak akan dapat dipantau mahupun dinilai, semuanya di tangan Allah. Harus bagaimana?? Maka kemungkinan besar yang perlu diubah adalah sikap dan isihati pensyarah itu sendiri. Namun apabila kita bekerja di sebuah institusi yang melantik pensyarah dari segenap lapisan masyarakat dan latar belakang pendidikan (tidak seperti di UIA contohnya) definisi 'nilai' dan persoalan 'integriti' itu sendiri adalah sukar untuk ditetapkan dan di applikasikan kepada semua. Hasilnya, kebanyakan pensyarah kembali kepada sistem 'nilai' mereka sendiri. Kalau sistem itu cemerlang dibandingkan nilai pensyarah yang universal, maka cemerlanglah pensyarah dan pelajar2nya, dan sekiranya tidak, maka hasilnya begitu juga. Tetapi siapa aku untuk meletakkan rujukan kecemerlangan itu.

Kemungkinan aku ada sedikit kelebihan. Berada di jawatan kanan dan hampir berada di penghujung pengajian PhD meletakkan aku di tangga yang lebih baik berbanding dengan pensyarah-pensyarah baru lain dan juga pensyarah berjawatan Professor Madya (PM). Aku tidak gusar sangat akan keperluan keberadaan di kampus sebelum jam 9 pagi (bukan lewat ke kelas yer...hahaha). Malah penilaian Amanah Tugasan tahunanku adalah lebih 'lenient' berbanding pensyarah PM. Namun, ini tidak bermakna aku harus ambil lewa arah tuju karierku (kalaupun bisa bagi diriku dipanggil karier) sebagai pensyarah. Setelah beberapa bulan ini, aku acapkali mempersoalkan apakah sebenarnya yang kuharapkan daripada tugasan harian ku ini. Perasaan ingin melakukan sesuatu di luar bidang tugas sekarang semakin membuak-buak. Namun, aku akur akan kekangan-kekangan yang ada, baik secara peribadi mahupun dari sudut keperluan institusi. Persoalannya sekarang ini bagaimana harus atasi semua kekangan ini. Akan tibakah masanya nanti aku bisa memenuhi impian hati ataupun kelak aku kembali semandom aku sebelum berpengalaman menyelesaikan sebuah PhD? Sesungguhnya aku perlu tingkatkan usaha ke arah suatu perubahan dalam diri, Insya Allah apa yang di hadapan kelak hanya Allah yang tahu...

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Living life...


Graceful is the life within you
At dawn, yesterday was never a memory
At dusk, tomorrow is never an expectation
But today, you lived to the fullest
Today, your life goes beyond boundaries you never set
Today, you enjoy the life within you  
Life you never thought you had yesterday 
Life you never think would exist tomorrow
You lived a graceful and wonderful life
If only my heart would be so kind
So as to learn to live like you...

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Meraban Part 2

In 'conjunction' with my crazee state of mind, I found myself doing something utterly stupid earlier this morning. It took me almost an hour to put my feet down from my bed, even though I am awake since 5 am (this seem to be an everyday occasion now). I then tip toed to the study's bathroom instead of the master's bathroom to avoid from waking up Luqman. I grabbed the bottle on the toilet shelves which I have (because I have exhausted  the mouthwash from bottle I usually used) assumed as a mouthwash, poured a cap full and gargled with it. And suddenly a burning sensation hit my mouth. I looked back at the bottle and spitted everything out. My eyes in the morning has always been a bit blurred after LASIK due to sleeping in an air-conditioned room, but I can see that the bottle is an antiseptic bottle - somewhat similar to DETTOL but not of the same brand. But it has similar colour to the yellow LISTERINE, albeit a bit darker. I then had to brush out everything and gargled back with the right mouthwash and keep washing my mouth with water. I made sure I took out a new bottle and read the label first! All morning food tasted like 'bluek'!! It took several hours for the burning sensation to subside. I guess I had a thorough clean mouth now :-P... But then I was thinking - what is wrong with me?? This is me being miserable!!

Then after class, I went out for brunch with a couple of juniors from my department. I don't really feel like going, but I joined in anyway. I talked and discussed things with them, but all along I felt - what the heck am I doing here? I mean they were nice people, we talked about everyday life (normal, right??!!) but at times I felt like I can see and hear myself talking but I am not actually there. It's like an out of body kind of experience. Must be really going loco! If only I could just paste my heart to my mind to my actions back together!!! At the brink of tears, I rushed back to my office, performed my Dhuha and started crying!! I mean seriously, I can't go on like this. Do I even belong here? Do I even know what am I doing? Why am I still here? Am I just wasting myself away?? In my supplication I sincerely pray and hope Allah will pleazzzzeeee take whatever that is that is bogging my mind away. Well, at least for the moment, I have some relief from all the free-flowing tears...I hope I will gain some strength from them too... 

Monday, October 8, 2012

Meraban - Part 1

When I thought I had my life with all its joy and sorrow figured out, a new element crept in. It just drives me crazeee... I mean it's like an extra set of furniture which you did not order, which do not go with the whole theme of your house. The thing is - it's exquisite and rare. You fell in love at first sight :-P You thought you would hold on to it a little bit longer till you can figure things out. So you left it at one corner of the house looking at it everyday and wondering what to do with it? Should you set up another spot in your house to make it go along with the rest of your house? or really should you just return it? Should you give it way? And you kept stalling, till one day you discovered you have grown too attach to it to actually let it go?

So now what do you do??

Ok I meraban lagi, don't know where am I going with this...somewhere... I guess...

Friday, October 5, 2012

Baby?

The truth is; I have already picked up names for them - if it's a boy, it's going to be Umar and if it's a girl it will either be Safiyyah or Khadeejah. (Not to worry they'll usually have their infamous 'longer' names of course :-p) In fact, my initial plans to lose weight was partly  because I wanted to have another baby. Well, that part may not be making sense to some people ;-) WTH? bukan ke nanti mengandung gemuk gak hahaha... Well, experiences have taught me that the lesser you weigh at the beginning of the pregnancy, the easier the whole final part of the pregnancy would be. Further, it will also be comparatively easier to get back to one's pre-pregnancy weight :-)

But as of late, I am no longer sure that we should be adding anymore family members. Come January, Luqman will turn 3. I was supposed to be giving birth by now, but with so many things going on earlier this year, plans remained as plans. I will be 36 June next year and the thought of having no more children running in diapers seemed so tempting. And since I fully breastfed all my children way past their second birthdays, having another baby meant I have to start the whole cycle all over again. I guess I have been lapsing too long. I have now reached a comfort level of more freedom of movement. Although I do missed breastfeeding terribly (I think it was one of the best experience in having a child) but committing to the whole process meant, I need to find a cooperative caretaker. It took hours during the day to get the right amount of EBM and ensuring proper safe storage and timely feeding of the EBM. It is a commitment, especially the first 6 months (being the crucial months) requiring not only patience on my part but also on the part of the caretaker. The caretaker therefore needs to be understanding and supportive too. Alhamdulillah so far, Allah have been kind to us, Aliyah and Uwais had the same loving caretaker till we left for Australia and Luqman had been with us during my PhD study leave. Luqman's daily care with his current daycare centre has been wonderful so far. I wonder if we would be so lucky the fourth time.

Besides, our work/school mornings and daily routines now is just barely manageable. Having a new baby would surely add to the stress, since an additional routine would need to be catered for, especially with us not wanting to bend the 'no-maid' rule. I am not sure I am up for it. Maybe I am just tooo old for this ;-) What more with the guilt of having to share the care of the children with others. Many times when the children were younger, I would feel like quitting my job. But it was an idea not supported by my DH, unfortunately. He felt it's a waste of my talents. We eventually made it up to today, though.  

Truthfully, I am also still traumatized with the experiences surrounding Luqman's birth. (Long story here) Takutnya masih berbaki!! When I told friends I wanted to just wrap things up - some would say that I am still too young to do that. Tak sayang ke? Yer, memang sayang, but I wonder if they would give a hand in caring for the baby especially during the neonatal periods ;-). While some would advice that perhaps it's not a bad idea considering I already have 3 children (with both genders). When I talked to my DH, he said it's alright with him either way. And when I talked to my children asking them if they would want a new baby, the followings were what one of them had to say:

Uwais:
Kita boleh ambik baby baru, tapi kita kena buang dulu baby Luqman ni...

Me (thinking of using reverse psychology) then said:
Huh?? Kalau macam tu, masa mama dapat Luqman dulu, patutnya mama kena buang lah abang (Uwais) kan?

Uwais quickly quipped:
Abih tu, kenapa abang masih ada lagi??

Me:
Erkkk...hahahaha

So much for asking for opinions:-P


So what does all this imply? Should I just let everything runs its due course? Or should I keep my distance to the idea and just enjoy what I already have?  Or maybe I should give myself a time frame, and once due, head straight to my Gynae to do my implant :-)?



Beautiful song, beautiful collaboration, beautiful setting, beautiful video, sneakers, gym ball and all :-) 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Email Cinta :-P

The followings are some 'relief' I received today. I have 'lost' Simon for almost 2-3 months now. It's so unlike him not to reply to emails. I emailed my old colleagues at the uni asking them to check him up haha, I emailed the administrative staffs in a bid to get some 'extra' information and finally, I even resorted to sending him a text message on his private mobile (which was so private - it was just my luck I even had it). 

Note: Some of the names in the emails had been changed to protect their privacy.

*********************************



Hi Simon,

How are you?

I have not heard from you for some time, I hope you are in good health and your family too.

Take care

Fadzlina

*********************************



Fadzlina

Many thanks for your text message and e mail.

I have been down to Phillip Island twice now to visit my mother-in-law and speak to her doctor at the hospital. She had a minor stroke but we fear that dementia has started. It might not be possible for her to return home as she has trouble walking. So I have been terribly tied up.

We have had other bad fortune with Aaga (Peter’s) wife having renal failure – he went back to arrange dialysis last Saturday and Indra’s son having an epileptic fit.

Also, one of Ney’s examiners has died.

I have checked with Research Services and not all of your examiners have completed their work so we need to wait for the process to finish.

I do hope that you and the family are well.  I have been asked at short notice to visit KL and Penang from 15 October for a week. If you are in KL let me know. I will also try to give some thought ot our fatwa paper while in Malaysia.

Work load here is getting worse even though in theory it should be easier.

Let me know if you are around in KL

Warmest regards


Simon

************************************


Oh dear so many unwelcome news.

I am so sorry to hear about your mother in law. I hope your whole family is coping well.

My family, so far Alhamdulillah are well. They suffered a couple of viral infections now and then but apart from that, they are doing fine.

I recently talked to Dr Nor. Unfortunately she was not doing so well for the past 2-3 months. She was diagnosed with diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol all at once, basically out of the blue and she's not even 50 yet. But she is now on medication and she's doing better.

As for your trip, we can meet in Penang or KL, depending on your schedule. I have no classes on Thursdays (& Fridays) and if we were to meet in Penang, then I have no problems with coming down there too any days of the week (since it's only half an hour from my house).

Please call me at +6019-383**** once you have confirmed your plans. I hope to see you soon :-)

Take care Simon

Fadzlina