Meraban Part 2

In 'conjunction' with my crazee state of mind, I found myself doing something utterly stupid earlier this morning. It took me almost an hour to put my feet down from my bed, even though I am awake since 5 am (this seem to be an everyday occasion now). I then tip toed to the study's bathroom instead of the master's bathroom to avoid from waking up Luqman. I grabbed the bottle on the toilet shelves which I have (because I have exhausted  the mouthwash from bottle I usually used) assumed as a mouthwash, poured a cap full and gargled with it. And suddenly a burning sensation hit my mouth. I looked back at the bottle and spitted everything out. My eyes in the morning has always been a bit blurred after LASIK due to sleeping in an air-conditioned room, but I can see that the bottle is an antiseptic bottle - somewhat similar to DETTOL but not of the same brand. But it has similar colour to the yellow LISTERINE, albeit a bit darker. I then had to brush out everything and gargled back with the right mouthwash and keep washing my mouth with water. I made sure I took out a new bottle and read the label first! All morning food tasted like 'bluek'!! It took several hours for the burning sensation to subside. I guess I had a thorough clean mouth now :-P... But then I was thinking - what is wrong with me?? This is me being miserable!!

Then after class, I went out for brunch with a couple of juniors from my department. I don't really feel like going, but I joined in anyway. I talked and discussed things with them, but all along I felt - what the heck am I doing here? I mean they were nice people, we talked about everyday life (normal, right??!!) but at times I felt like I can see and hear myself talking but I am not actually there. It's like an out of body kind of experience. Must be really going loco! If only I could just paste my heart to my mind to my actions back together!!! At the brink of tears, I rushed back to my office, performed my Dhuha and started crying!! I mean seriously, I can't go on like this. Do I even belong here? Do I even know what am I doing? Why am I still here? Am I just wasting myself away?? In my supplication I sincerely pray and hope Allah will pleazzzzeeee take whatever that is that is bogging my mind away. Well, at least for the moment, I have some relief from all the free-flowing tears...I hope I will gain some strength from them too...