Sunday, December 30, 2012

Black Moon

O Moon,
I saw you as black as night,
Sans halo, sans shadow
I stare at you in silent
Hoping, wishing, praying
For the lights I've grown to love
To come back to me

O Moon,
It pained me wondering
Was there something I did
Are you mad at me
Was there something I should do
To bring the lights back to you
But you stare blankly at me; a black moon

O Moon,
As I sit here waiting for your lights
Even if it's not meant to be tonight
Please know that you're always there in my thoughts
Forever edged in the depth of my heart
Perhaps tomorrow night you'll shine bright
And I'll be here waiting for that angelic sight... :-)

Me ~ RIP Q...:-(

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Roll Over

When I was younger, my mom always tell me 'dalam berkawan biarlah berpada' which more or less meant in her view be careful in seeking friendships. Maybe she was just protecting me from unnecessary bad influences and didn't want me to get hurt. The thing about me then was, when I befriended someone , I usually gave him or her my all - No holds barred. So when I get hurt or betrayed, I would usually find myself deeply hurt and affected by it all, not to mention my future trust in people. Come to think of it, that's one of the main reasons I have been rather aloof all this while. As I grow older, I start to be a bit picky with whom I mingled and befriended with. And the ones I have close at heart are those I go along with very well, the ones that actually have a 'sync' mind with me :-) I don't know how I know, but I just know haha... (people who made me rolled my eyes are usually not the ones hahahaha) I don't have many friends but the ones I have, I dare say would do anything for me, if need be and I would do the same for them. We can go for months without talking, but when we picked up the phone or meet, we would pick up on where we left off, like it was yesterday :-)

Although, several years have passed and several encounters with various characters may have 'dilute' my sense of choice in friends or the need to have them in the first place, my initial way of choosing friends and being with them remained basically the same. There are times due to some unplanned circumstances I became friends with people that I can't 'sync' with, but I tried as much as possible to put myself in their shoes and understand where they came from, in attempts to go along with them. But haha surprise! surprise! it doesn't usually last very long. I think, once I started to have the tendency to roll my eyes and start 'talking' in my heart about them, then that's it for me. I know then, that I am no longer considering the friendship a viable one, since it would bring more harm than good, especially if I have started to 'kutuk'2 them in my heart. I might as well stay away from them. It's better for all. 

Some will be asking where am I going with this? I am not sure, just felt like writing about this today. Or maybe because yesterday I rolled my eyes and started talking in my heart over a 'friend's' conversation on something. I guess it's time to leave this one behind...

Me ~ With 56 days to go, Alhamdulillah I'm getting better. Can't wait for tomorrow!! :-D

Saturday, December 15, 2012

I'm not wide awake...

The past couple of weeks have been difficult for me. When your body and mind won't cooperate with one another it's problematic to get any work done. I'm totally flat by 8 and fast asleep before 9 pm. The hormone countering therapy must be completed every 2-3 hours, which makes any other plannings restricted to those timelines or else everything else will start to fall apart too. Last week, I manage to scrap through work taking one day at a time. I couldn't bring myself to prepare my usual weekly attires during the weekend, preparing whatever it is I eventually choose to wear daily instead. Not as efficient as usual. But I still did manage to reach the office fully attired ;-). In class, I pretended everything's alright, although all I thought of is dozing off. Alhamdulillah, all my degree classes have been finalised. No teaching only need to deal with tests and quizes, which made my stay in class a minimum.

During weekends things got even worst. Most hours of the day would be spent lying on my back or taking long naps. My only solace is when I got to 'berborak' about things with friends. Then, I would suddenly forgot my exhaustion. But of course, weekends make that activity rather restricted since it's theirs and my time for families too. Anyway, if I don't know better, I would have thought I am depressed. Lucky me, everyone in the household, including Luqman understood my situation and leave me be. I'm due for another check up next week. Hopefully, all is going to turn out well, since January is going to be a hectic month. With 60 more days left, I need to be me 200%, In Shaa Allah.


This song reminds me of a friend in a crisis. Unless this friend accept the fact that s/he needs to let go in order to move on, then s/he's going to be in that crisis forever. But most of us tend to forget letting go is not as easy as throwing things out the window and walking on. When it involved feelings and emotion, it gets difficult and if the attachment reaches the level of addiction or is due to self pride, then it gets even more problematic. Fully letting go entails you throwing things out the window and ideally forget you ever had them in the first place. Is that even possible? I doubt it. But still when the time comes, do you really need to be "Falling from cloud 9, Crashing from the high" before you realize "Gravity hurts...(when you) woke up on the concrete" before you actually let go? Perhaps that's what s/he needs...eventually. May Allah show the way, In Shaa Allah.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The test is...

The test is to get your children to perform the solah without you instructing them.

The test is to let your younger children grow at their own pace and not be disillussioned and fascinated by all the fancy full-frills preschool and kinder.

The test is to make your children feel content with whatever they have and be grateful.

The test is to teach your children to be prudent even when they know they have the means to have something.

The test is to raise better and happier children from mom and dad's role more than total reliance on third parties.

The test is not to compare your children with others and enjoy them as they are.
The test is to let your children be children... and yourself a better involved parents.

And at the same time, the test is also not to be judgmental of other people's way and decision in raising their children!

Me ~ Exhausted beyond anything I've experienced before and with 65 more days to go I hope Allah will give me some reprieve soon. Wanting to be in the best of health when the time comes, In Shaa Allah.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

A Friendship Test...

I placed a call to my supervisor yesterday at his home wanting to discuss my thesis' correction plans. He was having a urological problem last month and had to go through a laser surgery at the end of November. Since it's almost a week post surgery, I caught him in good spirit :-) He said "It's good to hear from your charming self" (I was thinking then, since when pulak I became charming:-p). The discussion was of course started off asking about his health. At one point the gist of the conversation was rather embarrassing but considering him at 60, and thinking of him more so as a father figure, I just went along with the whole thing haha.. Even suggested he carry an empty bottle with him around till he recuperate fully. Hahaha we had a good laugh then, since he replied "Yes, I am (carrying the bottle) plus the sarung! But I am having issues with sense and control, you know like 'guru kencing berdiri'" LOL!!!

Eventually we discussed the corrections timeline and the publication plans. Once all was made clear, I let him talk about the others under his care and waited for one name to be raised. But he never did mentioned it. You see, he recently encountered or should I say got himself involved in a crisis with this person. I had some background of the whole situation from the person and thought that maybe he'd mention the matter considering that this person is a mutual friend of ours. But alas he did not. I guess he considered the matter close.

Have you ever have this problem where you are too close to someone and you got worried that if you ask certain things you'd offend that person, so you kept it to yourself hoping that the matter will eventually be raised, giving you the opportunity to say something. But the opportunity never came. Well, that's how I felt, then. The whole crisis was, in my view, over a  misunderstanding of a third party's account of things which could have been resolved peacefully. But both parties believe that they are on the right side and the other, wrong. It got worst when, instead of placing a call, they emailed each other and CCed them to a few others. Emails can cause so much destruction, I have gone through a few myself being caught in between a feud or two, at work, mind you. So they are now both not on speaking terms with each other. Such a loss, after years of working together. The other person had tried to patch things up, but my supervisor being the sensitive elderly person that he was, had somewhat gave up and went on shutdown mode :-(

I myself felt rather sad and at a loss too since I don't know what else I can do to help them resolve the matter. Both parties has since gave up on one another :-( Well, I guess that's life. You can be close friends one day and enemies the next. But in their situation it shouldn't have been the case if both of them had really treasured their relationship. I mean it's common that in a friendship, you get hurt from time to time, but if it is based on sincerity and honesty, I'm sure they will pass this test. I really hope they do. Really do...

Me ~ Going through the same test. Maybe I have failed :-(. But who knows, hearts change. 70 days to go...

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Aku pergi untuk dia...

To throw off all those 'evil eyes' (as the Turks would call them) trying to 'digest' my current state of mind, I hereby post this song hahaha... go ahead and digest then! :-P

Me ~ Had a good laugh today :-) which, ended with a frown...well, you can't have it all. Totally understandable. Keep on smiling :-), "Senyum, tak perlu kata apa-apa". I am so glad for all those friends who'd text and call over my Sunday post. If you had called and text me or query about me through another, I guess my friends, you are all alright, then.. hehe... I am happy to have you as my friends. Hopefully the feeling is mutual :-)

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Tiada Kelas!!

Don't you  just hate it having someone who claimed to be your friend, but only comes to you when they need help?! When they have found their way out, they simply couldn't care less about you. Usual rationale - they are doing you a favour because they 'tak nak kacau' you dah. WHT?!! Ok, Fine, fine maybe it's still acceptable based on the principle that some people are born to help and some are usually on the receiving ends of things. Ok, ok aku masih boleh terima. 

Tapi yang aku tak boleh terima, bila this kind of so-called friend yang dahlah asyik menempek time susah, then 'obliviate' from the face of the earth time senang, pastu boleh pulak behind my back 'bertukar' menjadi backstabbing bloodsuckers yang tak boleh tengok orang lebih sikit daripada dia, tak puas hati, dengki, sakit hati and then start tabur2 cerita to make my life miserable!! Ini dinamakan 'kawan' yang tidak ada kelas!!!

Ok, this is a rare, out of order evening outburst. Please forgive this post. I have run out of songs in my jukebox to express my feelings. I am sorry Q. Really do. I will learn to calm down after this...I promise...whoosaaa...whoosaaa...whoosaaaa....

Saturday, December 1, 2012


Happy December everyone. This beautiful song by Philip Philips reminds me of Home. And home is where the heart is. Know that you are not alone. Allah is always watching over you :-)


Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home 

Me ~ Especially dedicated to a dear friend... Please don't pay no mind to the demons. I will pray you find your way 'home' :-)