Wednesday, January 30, 2013

To be at ease...

I'm running short of time. February is coming. But 3 weeks post D&C, I am still bleeding, albeit not heavy. So I went back to my usual midwife for another massage, telling her my concern stating 'saya risau pulak' and she laughed and said 'kenapa perlu risau?'. She said I may be a bit stressed out and I said 'yer betul, saya juga kena ikhtiar lain nampaknya' So I told her I'm going to my gp to do a scan after my massage.

The thing about tukang urut/bidan ni, they love to chat. Mine ni same caselah. We chat about children and marriage. My 70 plus years old midwife ni is good at sensing things. So when she talked and gave her point of view, I always listen. I asked her opinion about some issues and she gave hers. Some views are like clear as day when mentioned in her words, some just strucked your heart. And suddenly I felt at ease about some of the issues I raised in my chat with her.

Post massage, I went straight away to my gp. I did my scan and the Dr confirms some of my concerns and even more. My DH and me later went for a second opinion, and the Gynae gave a somewhat better overview of things. Regardless, we've decided to go back to the Gynae who did the initial D&C to seek further explanation & treatment. The appointment is tomorrow and hopefully this next procedure will settle all my initial problems and the ones related with the missed abortion in the first place. In Sha Allah all will be well. Cause I really need to be at ease, since I have miles to travel... Amin.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Dalam Hati Ada Taman...


Me ~ Sebenarnya ku tak pernah mampu jauh darimu...Ya Rabb, jadikan hatiku hanya milikMu...

P/S: Love this song. Check it out on Youtube if it failed to play here :-)

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Be Me!

As I sit down in my study on a beautiful sunny day, saw birds flying cheering the blue sky, my good friend texted me her excellent writing progress. I smiled and congratulated her. Promised to meet her in February. She made me feel good today, realised that there's just too many things I may have taken for granted lately. Then, I suddenly remembered another friend whom I saw was not well last week on FB. Although I haven't seen her for the past 4 years, we have been in contact through emails and since we both came back from Australia last year, we usually talked on the phone about work at least once or twice every month.

As she answered the phone, she sounded weak and I asked her whether she's getting better. She said no and she dropped the bomb. I am basically left speechless. She's seeking treatment as soon as possible and since I'm on a long leave, I promised to meet her next week. Suddenly, for her life turns upside down and all the periphery of life doesn't really matter anymore. I prayed she stay strong, because in my eyes she had always been one. Then, I sat back and reflect, how life had been treating me so well but I have nothing to show for it. How shameful...I have been wasting myself on things beyond my reach, waiting and hoping things come my way. I guess enough is enough, then. It's time to make a move, it's time to let myself be free, take chances and be me!

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Another January For Luqman :-)

Yesterday was Luqman's 3rd birthday. But I missed it, because I had to schedule my D&C procedure for my fourth pregnancy at 10 weeks in Bangi as soon as possible due to several reasons. Family and close friends know what's the whole course of events and I don't have the strength to retell the whole story over and over again. I cried only on the day I found out, first on the phone with a close friend in KL and once more in the car with another friend in SP. As another dear sister of mine in Melbourne said, "It wasn't meant to be". So it wasn't, I say, let's move on, then. I'm sure Allah has better plans ahead for me :-)

It had been 2 nights now I'm at my parents, and Luqman has been asking for me. My DH said Luqman was having sleepless nights these 2 nights, which was unlike him. This was not the first time I have been away from him for a couple of nights. Perhaps he can sense I'm having unrestless nights too. He is always very special to me for the strength he used to show me in his short life, right from the day he was born :-)

He has always been the 'geliga' one. Always having something up his sleeves. The more silent he is, the more curious we must be. My DH had to find the hard way that the rules which apply to his sister and brother, do not apply to him, haha... New or specialised disciplinary methods need to be 'invented' in order to avoid from his continual mischievous adventures :-p What made things more curious is that, his teachers will all report that he's the easiest boy to care for, doesn't make a lot fuss and all in all - a Very Nice Boy. Hahaha ... Surprise, surprise... Perhaps the need to compete for his sister's and brother's attention and his rights to play the same toys, had made him considered a different tact at home. Another weirdos, a brilliant one too :-)

Always fond of using his left hand but never forgetting his right, I just felt that he may ambidextrose. How interesting! He' s beginning to show his own character - most times now, his cheeky side. And his smiles has always been his best feature. Now that he's capable to communicate in full sentences, he'll start repeating some of the things we said to him. The best part about him is when he's frustrated of something, it doesn't take him long to bounce back and be happy again. Truly, he is a "happy go lucky" boy.

Nowadays, I used to call his name:

"Luqman"

And he'll reply:

"Apa mama?"

And I ask:

"Sayang mama banyak ke sikit?"

He'll always reply:

"Sayang banyak sikit"

I further ask:

"Betul?"

And he'll say:

"Betul, betul, betul"

Ahh...love you to bits my dear. Happy birthday. May you the best Mukmin for the rest of us, In Shaa Allah, Amin.