Tonight, my Luqman saw me in tears and asked me, kenapa mama nangis? And I was at that time, terribly heartbroken. For a moment there, I can't even answer him even If I wanted to. I thought I wanted to write how I feel but all my words got jumbled up. So I made a call to a friend and told her how hurt I feel by another friend's action. I was said to have cared too much and I should just chill!!! - Exact words used, although maybe not in the same sentence. Yes, admittedly I am all that, is it so wrong? On the phone, my friend said - there's nothing wrong with you, if there's anyone who is wrong, it's that friend of yours! I told her maybe I should just leave it be, 'unfriend' and thus 'uncare'. And she said, is that even possible? You'd just haveto tolerate these unappreciative friends, she further said. And I thought: Do I really have to? I now felt slightly better, and I thought I'd write a monologue for you, my so-called friend:
I let you say all those hurtful words and pretend I'm alright, just because I care. I let you call me crazy, let you 'teach me a lesson' by being rude to me and then let you say I'm overly sensitive, even though I have said things in the nicest possible ways and try to be understanding. You are mad when I said you assume things, but you are doing exactly the same thing to me. When you think someone I'm close to holds a view, you'd assume I held the same view too. Have it ever crossed your mind that maybe I have my own brain too?? That I can think - remember, I was the one you called thinking too much???
So do you want me to stop caring so much? Is there such a thing? Care a little bit, or care too much?? I'm a person who if I care, I simply care. There's no range to it. Perhaps to you it should be on a scale of 1-10, maybe I should be 5?? Not too much or too less? Is that it?? And how would I know if 5 is not too much or maybe even 1 is just too much for you?? So am I less a friend if I only care up to 0.5 then??
Again and again you said I cared too much, think too much, and is overly sensitive. Yes, I was the one who always asked you 'are you alright?' even If I already knew what your answers are going to be. Is that too much for you? Have you ever asked me 'how am I doing'? Even when I miscarry, the only thing you said was 'sorry' and that's that. Did you consider me your friend and expect me to care - but not too much, so you don't have to care too?? Is that what you're doing?? Are you saying there's no point for me to care for you, because you don't care a shit about me? At that point I wonder, how disrespectful I have been to myself. Why did I let you do all that to me, treat me like shit, let you hurt me, and let you get away with it??? Simply because, I care. But have you ever think that perhaps, I won't be there all the time or perhaps some day I won't be there at all?? What then? You still couldn't care less? I guess, perhaps, you don't deserve to be cared for at all. If your heart still answers - 'what do I care?', then, I can say that - you don't deserve me as your friend at all... Maybe the time has come to simply walk away? Maybe...
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
It’s not about me
It’s not about you
It’s not about them
It’s not about us
But how could it not be?
Perhaps it’s about me, you, and them
Perhaps it’s actually about us
Perhaps we all need to look outside
Before we could embrace what’s inside
Conceivably it was never about all of us
To begin with, In the first place
For in all eternity it’s really about HIM...
Friday, February 1, 2013
Within days, things that have been planned for months turned upside down. At one point in time I almost gave up. I think long and hard, there must be something I have or have not been doing. I then, realised what it was, sat down and deal with it with all my heart. It turned out that what I kept postponing all this while, sincerely only took less than half an hour to settle. At the very least I know, that if there's any other arising matters arising after this, I have settled my part and prayed Allah will consider it and ease my plans.
Within days after that, all that seem doom and gloom, changed. There's a flickering light at the end of the tunnel. Although, I don't want to put my hopes up too high, but I trust in Allah's plan, so whatever happens in the next few days, I will accept them as my trials. I pray my health will improve and I will continue to stand as the backbone of my family.
I told my DH whatever happens, I love him and will continue to do so for the rest of our lives. And If I were given a choice, I would have chosen him all over again, albeit perhaps in a different manner ;-) He asked me to pray for the children and I told him, 'I will pray for you' :-) So with that, we put our trust in Allah, and do all we can to accommodate everyone else in the family and pray hard all our plans run smoothly.
Indeed ....Allah is the Best of the planners (3:54). Have faith and put your trust in Allah.