Care

Tonight, my Luqman saw me in tears and asked me, kenapa mama nangis? And I was at that time, terribly heartbroken. For a moment there, I can't even answer him even If I wanted to. I thought I wanted to write how I feel but all my words got jumbled up. So I made a call to a friend and told her how hurt I feel by another friend's action. I was said to have cared too much and I should just chill!!! - Exact words used, although maybe not in the same sentence. Yes, admittedly I am all that, is it so wrong? On the phone, my friend said - there's nothing wrong with you, if there's anyone who is wrong, it's that friend of yours! I told her maybe I should just leave it be, 'unfriend' and thus 'uncare'. And she said, is that even possible? You'd just haveto tolerate these unappreciative friends, she further said. And I thought: Do I really have to? I now felt slightly better, and I thought I'd write a monologue for you, my so-called friend: 

I let you say all those hurtful words and pretend I'm alright, just because I care. I let you call me crazy, let you 'teach me a lesson' by being rude to me and then let you say I'm overly sensitive, even though I have said things in the nicest possible ways and try to be understanding. You are mad when I said you assume things, but you are doing exactly the same thing to me. When you think someone I'm close to holds a view, you'd assume I held the same view too. Have it ever crossed your mind that maybe I have my own brain too?? That I can think - remember, I was the one you called thinking too much???

So do you want me to stop caring so much? Is there such a thing? Care a little bit, or care too much?? I'm a person who if I care, I simply care. There's no range to it. Perhaps to you it should be on a scale of 1-10, maybe I should be 5?? Not too much or too less? Is that it?? And how would I know if 5 is not too much or maybe even 1 is just too much for you?? So am I less a friend if I only care up to 0.5 then??

Again and again you said I cared too much, think too much, and is overly sensitive. Yes, I was the one who always asked you 'are you alright?' even If I already knew what your answers are going to be. Is that too much for you? Have you ever asked me 'how am I doing'? Even when I miscarry, the only thing you said was 'sorry' and that's that. Did you consider me your friend and expect me to care - but not too much, so you don't have to care too?? Is that what you're doing?? Are you saying there's no point for me to care for you, because you don't care a shit about me? At that point I wonder, how disrespectful I have been to myself. Why did I let you do all that to me, treat me like shit, let you hurt me, and let you get away with it??? Simply because, I care. But have you ever think that perhaps, I won't be there all the time or perhaps some day I won't be there at all?? What then? You still couldn't care less? I guess, perhaps, you don't deserve to be cared for at all. If your heart still answers - 'what do I care?', then, I can say that - you don't deserve me as your friend at all... Maybe the time has come to simply walk away? Maybe...