Friday, November 30, 2012

On the move...

Apabila sudah tidak 'sakit' lagi dengan duniawi ini, kebolehan penulisan kreatif pun menyusut. Patutlah kebanyakan penulis terkenal dunia Western dianggap sebagai 'tormented souls' ;-) Well, you can't have it all. Alhamdulillah, for the freeing of heart and mind. Terasa begitu liberating. It's now time to get back to work. Masa utk gunapakai sebaiknya sokongan dan kebebasan yang diberi oleh my DH to move forward.

First order of things is to get the thesis examiner's report replied and the necessary amendments made and submitted paling lewat bulan Januari. Then, the paper for my Sydney trip in March perlu dihantar bulan Januari juga.

Then, I need to get ready for my 'find my way' trip in February and my 'cover what's left' trip to Australia in March :-p. In the meantime, need to get a paper ready for publication. All the while, will also need to get through the exams period and also getting ready for class in February. I have been mopping around long enough. Masanya telah tiba untuk bergerak pantas, need to move on or be moved along ;-) Semoga dipermudahkan olehNya, In Shaa Allah. Ameen :-)

Me ~ Forgive and forget. Will I ever be good at it? Time will tell...

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Anecdotes :-)

Banyak perkara mencuit hati hari ini. I guess if you opt to be happy, there's just too many things that can make you happy. To be happy is a conscious effort. Happiness doesn't come accidentally. You need to put an effort into it :-)

Earlier today, ada seseorang mengetuk-ngetuk pintu bilik pejabatku. Apabila kubuka pintu, nampaklah seorang lelaki berketayap putih memegang planner Syarikat Prudential. (Dalam hati - mesti nak jual insurance polisi ni) Benar sungguh sebab, antara ayat mula dia adalah bertanya pasal medical card. Malas nak melayan, aku berterus-terang sahaja yang aku sudah punya polisi, malah skrg dlm masa transisi sehingga tahun depan kami sekeluarga semuanya doubly insured. Ada beberapa lagi lah persoalan yang diajukan sambil membantu aku memegang daun pintu. Tak lama kemudian, tersedarkan situasi kami berbual di muka pintu, lalu aku kata: "Maaflah encik saya tak jemput masuk, saya tengah marking ni" (Alasan dengan niat benar) Lalu dia balas: " Takper, saya memang suka bercakap-cakap begini" (Merujuk kepada situasi bercakap di depan muka pintu) hahaha dalam hati aku nak tergelak sangat, pastu berfikir cara terbaik nak mengundurkan diri. Aku cadangkan dia bertemu dengan seorang rakan lain yang mungkin berminat. Maka dia berpuas hati dan berlalu, hahaha selamat daripada berbual kosong. My least favourite activity.

Kemudian selepas Zohor, aku terima panggilan balas daripada a friend I have been consulting my livelihood lately :-P. Actually, once every fortnight we will talk on the phone. Up to an hour, sampai panas telefon hahaha. Nak on speaker phone, takut jiran tetangga pejabat ni terdengar lah pulak riuh rendah kami berborak, bergelak ketawa, takpun bercucuran airmata huhuhu... So selalu ayat2 pertama dia akan tanya "How are you?" My usual answers dulu2 sama jer. But today I said: " You know what, I am good actually, pretty good in fact" And then she said: "Really?" And I said: "Yes, really" and we both burst out laughing (Oh I hope my neighbors will please excuse us hahaha). I don't even know why we chose to laugh then, but we did and it felt good :-) She always make me laugh, anyway. So today I just let her tell her stories for the day. As usual, she was very 'entertaining'. In real life with her facial expression and all is joyful to watch :-) Yes, sometimes I do miss meeting her, but leaving so far from the city centre makes frequent meet a difficult venture. We planned to meet next month, and she said "Yes, let's go, get ourselves some junk food" and " I said yes, let's do that", laughing again. The idea is a total contrast to whatever fitness principles she held. But I always tell her, "Let's eat whatever we feel like eating, then we will work it off" hahaha... Till we meet next month then, because soon enough I have to be in class. We said our goodbyes, and I prep for class.

On my way to class on another building, two young girls waved towards me, excusing themselves nak tanya "Kat mana tempat nak makan lunch". So I showed them how to get there. At the end of the conversation, they thanked me and one of them tanya: "Lecturer ke student?" Aku jawab " Lecturer." Then dia balas: "Mudanya lecturer". Aku tersenyum. (Dalam hati biar benar diaorang ni. Nak kena Lasik jugak ke mata diaorg ni :-P Agaknya sebab pakai kasut sketchers, the in thing 'cikgu bedah' glasses dan bawak beg recycle ala2 Melbourne kut hahaha) Aku cakap: "Mana muda, saya dah 35 dah" and walked along to class sambil tersengih-sengih, which doesn't last very long, sbb kena panjat tangga sampai tingkat 4 huhuhu...

So moral of the story - kena bersyukur dengan segala yang ada. Bila sedih kena bersyukur, sebab di dalam setiap kesedihan pasti ada kegembiraan. Kegundahan itu penting, kerana ia membuatkan kesukaan itu lebih berharga. Happiness must be sought after. To be happy is a choice. And I choose to be a happy person even if I am not :-) 

A Guide from Beyond





























Sebu hatiku
Sudah pasti
Andai tahanan jiwa
Adalah empangan kepenuhan
Secalit kata, seulas senyuman
Umpama kunci yang
Bisa melepaskan segala
Maka sia-sialah semuanya
Jika kata dan senyuman jadi taruhan
Bisa aku kelemasan semula
Dalam limpahan airmata
Maka aku akur
Sampai di sini saja harapan ini
Kerna sukacitanya sementara
Apa perlunya berdukacita
Kerna dukacitanya pun sementara :-)

Me ~ Received a guide from beyond. Yes, me happy, happy, happy :-) Yes, me very stubborn, me know, thank you friends from reminding me of that fact. But me not so stubborn so as not to receive and accept this sign as a good one. 77 more days to go...Alhamdulillah :-)

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Good News

Semalam selepas pulangnya Aliyah dari kelas mengaji dia terus mencari aku di tingkat atas.

"Mama, mama, I have good news! Ustazah dah suruh Aliyah baca Al-Quran yang kat muka surat depan (merujuk kpd Surah Al-Baqarah)"

"You mean Surah Al-Baqarah? Good news indeed. Alhamdulillah! So Juzu' 30 dah habis?"

"Dah!"

"Oh, bagus2, cuba baca sikit mama nak dengar."

Dia pun baca dengan excitednya. Obviously Aliyah sangat teruja sebab dia baru start kelas mengaji malam 3 hari lepas. Sebelum ini dia masih di Qiraati 5. In fact in my view she should finished up book 5 & 6 to really grasp all the basics. But if the Ustazah thinks she should move up the ladder and terus ke Al-Quran, then why not. I have no doubt she'll be able to read dgn lancar, soon enough.

Tapi aku terasa sangat terkesan di hati sebab she felt her achievement untuk start membaca 'full-fledge' Al-Quran sebagai 'good news'. Even masa dia dapat first place utk dua semester berturut2 tahun ini pun dia tak anggap sebagai 'good news', so I am touched she saw upgrading to reading the Quran as 'good news'. Alhamdulillah. May Allah blessed her to be the best Mukminah daughter she could ever be and me the patience and strength to lead her to be one. Semoga aku tidak leka dan lekakan anakanda semua dengan urusan duniawi semata-mata. In Shaa Allah. Ameen.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Nur Kasih



Lewat ini ku rasakan
Kasih kian ku dambakan
Resah hati yang ku pendam
Pada takdir dan harapan

Detik waktu dan suratan
Siapa tahu ketentuan
Ku mencari cahayanya
Dalam bayang kegelapan

Nur kasih
Nur kasih

Nasib hidup dan pilihan
Lain hukum setiap insan
Mengharapkan perjalanan
Dalam maya kesamaran

Nur kasih
Nur kasih

Aku kembali kerana masih
Mencari yang hakiki
Sinar pasti
Janji suci yang abadi

Ooo kasih
Nur kasih
Oh nur kasih
Nur kasih

Aku kembali kerana
Masih mencari yang hakiki
Sinar pasti
Janji suci yang abadi

Nur nur ya nur kasih
Nur ya nur kasih
Nur nur kasih
Nur kasih


Me ~ That longing look, the tears, the pain, if that's how it's going to be for everyone else to be happy, then my feelings are secondary. May I have faith in the secrets He holds. But would I ever look at the moon the same again... Soon, 80 days will come and go.  

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Dari Sinar Mata


Semalam while driving home, lagu ini berkumandang di radio. Sungguh nostalgia :-P Tersengih-sengih aku sendirian terkenang zaman2 persekolahan dulu. Sampaikan semasa menanti traffic lights merah bertukar hijau, pakcik bawak lori sebelah kereta aku sibuk nak mengorat sambil menawarkan rambutan gading seikat melalui tingkap. Adoi!! Agaknya dia ingat aku dok senyum2 kat dia hahahahaha...Sabor jerlah :-) Bila fikir balik, harusnya aku ambik saja rambutan tu hahaha...ada gak hasilnya tersengih sorang2 :-P

Anyway, ramai yang akan menganggap lagu ini hanya lah sekadar lagu cintan cintun, cinta muda mudi, jiwang2 karat, tak gitu? :-) Tapi cubalah hayati liriknya, Masya Allah, ianya ditujukan khas buat semua yang mencintai Allah. 


Engkau di mataku adalah cahaya perjalanan ku
Terang menyuluh segala
Yang tersembunyi
Lama kucari
Sudah pasti ada jawapannya
Kemungkinan itu


Kalau Opick atau Afghan yang menyampaikan lagu ini dengan chord yang berbeza pasti maksud sebenar di sebalik lagu ini lebih kesampaian di lubuk hati. Apapun, I am touched...

Sudah sekian lama fikiranku agak berkecamuk. Sesungguhnya banyak perkara yang bermain-main di dalam fikiran. Cuma kadangkala malas mahu diluahkan. Tetapi memendam perasaan pun kadangkala boleh membawa kepada lebih banyak kemudharatan. Lagu ini membuatkan aku terfikir, ya, semua yang terjadi 'pasti ada sebaliknya satu rahsia'. Ya sekarang memang agak kelat untuk ditelan, namun siapa tahu suatu hari nanti 'hati di taman berbunga'. Harusnya aku bersyukur dengan kecelaruan ini. Bak kata Rumi: "Suffering is a gift: In it is hidden mercy".

Semalam, sesungguhnya aku sangat berkecil hati dengan seorang teman yang lebih mahu mendengar 'nasihat' seorang kawan yang kami berdua pun tahu adalah kawan yang bermasalah sepanjang kami mengenalinya. Semalaman aku memikirkan after all that we have both been through 'diseksa' orang ini, mengapa dia lebih mahu mengambil nasihat daripadanya. Semalam aku sangat-sangat terasa. Terasa seperti aku ini kawan kelas kedua :-( Namun hari ini, aku kembali berfikir, mungkin ini lah dikatakan 'pasti ada sebaliknya satu rahsia'. Aku akur. Hari ini I have decided to let the matter go. Biarlah... In Shaa Allah it is for the better. I forgive you my dear friend and I will forget about it - something I rarely do in my lifetime. I never forgive and forget. Status imanku masih belum taraf itu. But for you, I will forget :-)

As of late, I have also put someone I know well on high alert observation. Dia perlu berubah menjadi seseorang yang lebih baik. Dia kelihatan akur. Namun, semalam, aku melihat bagaimana seksanya dia mahu melakukan apa yang dia telah janjikan. Apabila mahu marah, dia menahan2 daripada berkata2 memberi arahan, sebaliknya melakukan perkara tersebut sendiri. Maka aku tahu dia sedang mencuba. Aku pula harus memberinya peluang, masa untuk mendekati dan menghayati perubahan yang dia fikirkan terbaik untuk semua. Maybe after all this while, there's a glimmer of hope that it will happen. Aku perlu percaya ianya adalah 'Satu Impian dan Satu Harapan' yang masih boleh direalisasikan. In Shaa Allah, if it is for the better, it will turn out the way it should be...

Aku pula masih bergelumang dengan banyak tugasan yang belum lagi siap. Kebanyakannya kertas kerja yang aku sendiri tak lalu nak tengok, termasuk lah pembetulan dan laporan thesis PhD. Sesungguhnya hati sudah lama berkira-kira mahu berhenti kerja saja. Kadangkala terfikir adakah I am in the right line of work. My mind is always thinking of travelling and seeing the world. Tak perlu terikat dengan sesiapa, mana-mana organisasi, mahupun kekangan kewangan. Aku mahu jadi sukarelawan, mahu mahir dalam sesuatu yang aku suka dan gembira untuk lakukan secara percuma, aku mahu menggembirakan dan berupaya turut sama berasa empati ke atas kesusahan orang lain. Truly, I now admit that I am a person who is neither here nor there. Sampai bila?? Terasa lemas, Hanya Allah yang tahu. Sesungguhnya aku mengharapkan Ya Allah 'Kau hulur tanganMu, Membawa ku ke atas semula'... Make me into someone who benefits others...

Me ~ So the countdown begins: less than 85 days to go...

Monday, November 19, 2012

Dealing with my own soul

Yesterday, I received a text from a good friend in Melbourne. Soon enough I was on the phone with her. I was at my mom's so reception was great and we got to chat awhile.

At first, I told her, in a bid for us not to talk about anyone else, I asked her to talk about herself. We talked when it was already 1 am Melbourne time because apparently she was lonely. Her husband was away and will be away for sometime. I laugh at her and teased her on her husband's whereabouts because I thought it was pretty sweet they way she'd missed her husband and not able to sleep.

The conversations of course eventually encroached on other topics, other people. Some I would rather not know, because deep down some of the contents of the conversations really touched me to my core. It's like a wound that won't heal. But there are times I can't help it, I gave in. I am just too weak. Just like how Imam Al- Ghazali put it so beautifully: which in a nutshell basically means ~ I can be my soul worst's enemy! Astaghfirullah...


Sunday, November 18, 2012

Help the people of Gaza and Syria

Forget all your pain and sorrows and help alleviate the pain and sorrows of the children of Gaza and Syria. Click here for the Children of Gaza and here for the Children of Syria to donate.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Dusta

Anything built on a lie will never last. Once you start one you'll have to keep on piling the lies. One day, eventually you found that your lies caught up with you. Then, everything will start to fall part.

You can start remedying the situation by telling the truth; but like the boy who cried 'wolf' when there was none, I doubt your truth will be accepted as one anymore once you are found to be a liar. At least that's how I would see it. Perhaps those you lied to are willing to give you a second chance. They are simply too kind. But know that the experience being lied to by you will always be there at the back of their mind.

The next time you thought of living of a lie - remember! it will never last!!! In a friendship, you'll lose an ally in every single person you lied to. In a relationship, you'll lose the trust and faith of your companion. Anything built on a lie will never last...

Me ~ Teringat lirik lagu Nirwana Band: 'Sudah cukup cukup sudah, Cukup sampai di sini saja, Daripada hati gelisah, Cintaku kau balas dengan dusta'...

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Hijrah Demi Masa 1434

Salam Ma'al Hijrah 1434h buat semua. Buatlah sesuatu yang lebih baik untuk diri sendiri dan semua di sekeliling anda. Namun, usahlah terkesan dengan definisi 'baik' orang lain. Baik bagi orang lain tidak semestinya baik bagi kita (and vice versa) :-)

Aku mengharapkan Allah masih memberikan masa dan kesempatan buat diri hambanya yang hina ini menyelesaikan beberapa perkara di tahun hijrah yang baru ini. Sesungguhnya, aku perlu masa, masa untuk menyusun keutamaan, masa untuk membuat pembetulan tesis dan menutup bab PhD dalam hidupku, masa untuk berfikir, masa untuk membuat pilihan, masa untuk berhijrah hati. Semoga Allah berikanku sedikit kekuatan hati dan minda yang seiring, kerana sesungguhnya aku sudah bosan mendengar apa saja berkenaan dengan PhD apatah lagi mahu melihatnya kembali!

Jikalau ditanya tentu ramai yang masih 'berjuang' akan menyatakan perkara yang sama. Inikan pula aku yang punya alasan tersendiri menjerumuskan diri ini pun boleh bosan, apatah lagi mereka2 yang hanya punya 'common reason along the lines of increasing knowledge, career development' dan sebagainya... Ya, aku punya alasan lain. Alasan yang lebih besar, besar daripada diriku sendiri. Namun, Allah masih belum makbulkan niat itu. Ironinya, semua 'common reason' itu pula yang hadir di dalam kehidupanku. Adalah hikmahnya, Insya Allah, suatu masa nanti pastikan ku tahu... Sementara itu, aku perlukan sedikit masa, masa untuk merenung hakikat kehidupanku dan masa untuk membuat penilaian kendiri. Mungkin jua masa untuk menghilangkan diri ;-)

Me ~ @ Padang Mat Sirat, Langkawi...


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Madly Happy

A new friend once told me: "It doesn't really matter what you do; but you'd have to make yourself happy and content first. You'll need to take care of yourself first, then only can you care for those around you and make them happy."

I think long and hard about this statement and wonder about several things. Perhaps there's a truth in the statement. Even air stewardess would tell you that in an emergency you should use the oxygen mask on yourself first before caring for those under your care. I guess this action goes with similar principle: You first, then your wards - not so much because you're a selfish person who had to survive, but more so because unless and until you are able to survive, there's no way you rescue your wards.

But survival and being happy is actually two different thing. Is it not?! Many times, feelings don't go along with actions. Remember the times when you are just too exhausted to handle your excited children by yourself during a holiday in a not so child-friendly hotel; do you just drop everything and leave them wherever they are? I doubt it. You'd still try to smile at them, save them. Maybe half-heartedly. Would they notice? I am not sure. Maybe...maybe not. Would they care? Maybe...maybe not. As long as Mama appears to be present; they are content.

So where is the truth in the statement then? One don't really need to be happy to make others happy. One can be a like a candle, burning itself to give light to others. Do people actually wonder how the candle would feel? Does it really matter? As long as lights enlighten the place, why would a burning candle's feeling really matter. Right??

Obviously, I am mad at something... And this post represent my resentment over several things this past couple of months. Even an ongoing holiday can't seem to change this resentment. And what would people know??!! I am mad, angry and frustrated at myself. I am mad, I am angry and I am frustrated because for the first time in 10 years I have allowed myself to be hurt again. I have allowed myself to 'feel' again... And seriously, I don't want to face any of this pain. I should've continued like zombies...ongoing & pain-free; although they do looked so full of pain. But the key is they kept on going.

Perhaps, what my friend wanted to emphasize was the quality of it all. If you are truly, madly, deeply happy, then perhaps it becomes contagious in the quality of other people's love in your life and hence their abilities and capabilities. They become high achievers, excellent performers and outstanding people not only academically but also more than that. Really? Is that how it should be? I don't seem to know anymore. I have most things planned next year... And it doesn't seem to be dependent on my being madly happy. Sometimes you are not, but you still need to carry on...

P/S: I think one of the hardest thing to do in life is to cry silently in your heart. May Allah gave us all the will and strength to carry on...

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Good Company

Yesterday, I had lunch alone again. Not that I particularly love it, but nowadays I kinda like eating alone. You are in and out in less than 15 minutes. Sometimes you really want to cut short all the pathetic thoughts that come with eating alone, so you take even less time :-) And that plus the fact that I won't have the usual 'selera' when eating with lots of company. And people keep asking me why am I 'kurus'? haha...susah nak jawab. They'd prefer to hear things like ohhh...I sakit jiwa, sakit hati or maybe jatuh hati that's whylah I kurus. Nothing of the sorts of - ' I exercised like crazee' kind of statements, which I still do, by the way :-)

But to tell the truth, the one person I really love eating out with is ~ Aliyah. Aliyah makes a very good company. She won't leave me at the table after orders are made, she won't wander around in the mall or the adjoining sites until the ordered foods are cold, she won't make me feel like I am eating alone, despite the fact I have company. She also won't gossip about other people's life, she won't talked about the problems of the world and be judgmental, she won't talk beyond whatever is contained in her short life. She would just sit there and make excited happy faces, while we chose what to eat and waited for them to arrive. When the food arrived, she would concentrate on her food and when I smile looking at her getting so 'involved' with the food, she would smile back at me :-) Aliyah also makes a very good food critic. She sure know if the food is good or bad. Sure sometimes she whined about things she wanted to buy along the way, sometimes she 'merajuk' over some things and 'overtalk' and 'membebel' about certain things she's passionate about, and she sure do have high taste in restaurants and food, (my mistake for introducing her haha) but she's the best company for going and eating out. In a nutshell, she really knows how to make me feel appreciated, every time we go eat out together. No dramas...just gratitude that mama ask her to join mama in her quest of spending money over good food, Alhamdulillah :-)

Can't imagine having any other daughter as company. Having beautiful Aliyah would do...at least for now :-)

First day of her life, isn't she lovely... one of the ones that really  touched your heart :-)
 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

What do I stand for?


Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure, what I stand for
What do I stand for? Oh what do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore

This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype, 
Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked, 
But here they come again to jack my style

That's alright, I found a martyr in my bed tonight
Stops my bones from wondering just who I, who I, who I am, oh who am I,

Well some nights, I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights, I always win, I always win

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for,
What do I stand for? Oh what do I stand for? 
Most nights, I don't know (come on)

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?
No. When I see stars, when I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like a swan, so come on
Oh, come on, oh, come on, oh come on!

Well that is it, guys, that is all, five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
This is not one for the folks at home, I'm sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?
My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she called "love"
But when I look into my nephew's eyes,
Man you wouldn't believe, the most amazing things, that can come from,
Some terrible nights

The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance,
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance.

Me ~ Sorry folks, still finding my own voice... am happy to let "Some Nights" by FUN do some of the talking. Can't seem to find the motivation to write again. Perhaps someday, maybe January, maybe March...why January, why March..entahlah! haha...

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Unwell

I have not been so well lately. My cough and cold kept coming back for the past two weeks. This week I slowly started losing my voice, but I continued with my lectures anyway since most of the lecture halls have microphones assisting in my 'rocker' voice projection :-P. Further, next week is going to be a long break. I don't have the heart to be replacing additional classes.

Yesterday, was the worst. I hope the next couple of days will be better. I personally also feel there's something wrong with me. I can't explain, it's just one of those feelings you have. I thought I will set up to meet my gynecologist this month and also set another medical check up with my GP and see how it goes.

Yesterday was also one of those days when all the things that should go wrong would (Oh my english!!) I was reminded once again how powerless I am. That despite accepting the fact that Allah tested you only up to the point of your capabilities, I admit and submit that I am weak! But Allah is the Protector of all hearts. Isn't Him also the one giving all those feelings running deep in your heart? I am lost. I am left wondering if this is all there is to it? Am I ungrateful to be wanting more, to be wanting some change in my life? I guess, first, I need to get well. I need to think. I need to make a decision. I need to take charge.



Sunday, November 4, 2012

Rindu Lagi...



Dalam rinduku menyesakkan dada,
Jika bisa hati melangkaui akal,
Mahu ku berlari serata alam luahkan segala,
Apakan daya semuanya menunggu masa...

Namun,
Jika kutahu sesaat lagi ajalku,
Apakah tetapkan kusimpan semua dalam hatiku?

Jika benar ini akhirnya,
Biarlahku makamkan rindu ini dalam hatiku.


Me ~ Back on Not so Creative Mode :-)..sakit menanti jawapan yang tak kunjung tiba...