Madly Happy

A new friend once told me: "It doesn't really matter what you do; but you'd have to make yourself happy and content first. You'll need to take care of yourself first, then only can you care for those around you and make them happy."

I think long and hard about this statement and wonder about several things. Perhaps there's a truth in the statement. Even air stewardess would tell you that in an emergency you should use the oxygen mask on yourself first before caring for those under your care. I guess this action goes with similar principle: You first, then your wards - not so much because you're a selfish person who had to survive, but more so because unless and until you are able to survive, there's no way you rescue your wards.

But survival and being happy is actually two different thing. Is it not?! Many times, feelings don't go along with actions. Remember the times when you are just too exhausted to handle your excited children by yourself during a holiday in a not so child-friendly hotel; do you just drop everything and leave them wherever they are? I doubt it. You'd still try to smile at them, save them. Maybe half-heartedly. Would they notice? I am not sure. Maybe...maybe not. Would they care? Maybe...maybe not. As long as Mama appears to be present; they are content.

So where is the truth in the statement then? One don't really need to be happy to make others happy. One can be a like a candle, burning itself to give light to others. Do people actually wonder how the candle would feel? Does it really matter? As long as lights enlighten the place, why would a burning candle's feeling really matter. Right??

Obviously, I am mad at something... And this post represent my resentment over several things this past couple of months. Even an ongoing holiday can't seem to change this resentment. And what would people know??!! I am mad, angry and frustrated at myself. I am mad, I am angry and I am frustrated because for the first time in 10 years I have allowed myself to be hurt again. I have allowed myself to 'feel' again... And seriously, I don't want to face any of this pain. I should've continued like zombies...ongoing & pain-free; although they do looked so full of pain. But the key is they kept on going.

Perhaps, what my friend wanted to emphasize was the quality of it all. If you are truly, madly, deeply happy, then perhaps it becomes contagious in the quality of other people's love in your life and hence their abilities and capabilities. They become high achievers, excellent performers and outstanding people not only academically but also more than that. Really? Is that how it should be? I don't seem to know anymore. I have most things planned next year... And it doesn't seem to be dependent on my being madly happy. Sometimes you are not, but you still need to carry on...

P/S: I think one of the hardest thing to do in life is to cry silently in your heart. May Allah gave us all the will and strength to carry on...