Yes Maam...

Nothing much has changed. I am still going to work with a heavy heart. When I'm in class, I feel a bit better, but that also depends on the students or class. I dare say I got pretty good students this time around. But some are just so blur - the word 'BLUR' are written all over their face :-P

I tried talking to a couple of friends of my 'problem'. Even went back on FB. The thing is, they can't diagnose a  'half-laid problem'. In the words of Nina LaCour " There are so many things I want so badly to tell you but I just can't" (Hold Still). And that's exactly what I'm doing and how I feel. 

But I always believe, most of our problems should only be 'discussed' between ourselves and Allah. No one else know better... Whether I will be able to navigate out of this 'dump' I am feeling right now, only Allah knows. And one of these days, I am sure I will find the way. 

As for my friends, based on whatever I told them, most of them would say I need some time. Time to get readjusted. I think that perhaps I have too much time in my hand. Perhaps I have no time at all. Who's to know when we will die... So I thought let's make the best out of my half-hearted functioning self. Let's be beneficial to others. Now when someone ring my office and offer me something to do - I'd immediately say yes. I'd say 'yes' first, then I'd asked what is it all about... (foolish, I know). Now, my calendar for September are already filling up until the end of the month. The tasks for the first week of October also look set.

I hope there won't come a day when I would regret saying 'yes' without contemplating the consequences of these responsibilities. As Moss Hart would once said "All the mistakes I ever made were when I wanted to say 'No' and said 'Yes'." Hopefully that would never be the case. My old lecturer Dr Z recently told me "there's nothing wrong to say 'yes' when you wanted to say 'no'. It is a gift from you to someone. Assertiveness is not always good. Giving is always better than taking. And one of the important requirements to be successful in life is TO GIVE..." Well, perhaps he is right - partly :-) I guess it all depends on the circumstances and mine now requires me to be busy, busy, busy in a bid to improve my motivation. Whether it will work, depends basically on myself, actually. I wonder how long will I ever be able to live with half a heart... 

It is a state of mind - I know - don't need to keep me telling me that!