Myself - Part 5
My worldview also consisted of how I understood, see Islam and relate to it. I received my first basic knowledge of Islam at MGS, of course. And unlike my younger brothers and sisters whom received a more formalized after school Islamic education at the National Mosque, mine were rather laid back, no exam-based sessions at the Surau Istana Negara. I kinda liked the sessions. All the books were in Jawi and the closes we ever came to exams were the 'Tasmi'' / memorization tests. They were also short classes, I think if I remembered right the classes lasted less than 2 hours for only a couple of days in a week. Then I would walked back home, which was a few hundred meters away, passed my father's office and another quarters lot before reaching home. (By the way, since we moved from the area, the lots in front of the Surau has now been developed into the the famous 'Ikan Bakar Bellamy' stalls :-))
Most of the 'Islam' I got in my early years in school was focused on Fiqh Ibadah, Fardhu 'Ain stuff, although the Ustaz would sometimes ventured into some extra point of views. But I dare say those early classes had a great impact on me. I have always felt being 'watched' since then. I would always have a conversation with God, asking Him at times why some of the things had to happen to me. Then, during my secondary school, since it was an 'Islamic' boarding school, I received a more 'advanced' version of the fundamentals. But during these early teenage and adoslescent years being all the way in KL, the teachings of Islam in my school was to my view very moderate, fundamental teachings and tend not to be affiliated to any particular organisation in Malaysia. The first three years before we moved school to Kepong, also saw me mixing with the other girls from the 'non-religious' stream classes in Puteri Wilayah. They were in my view then a bit 'different' of course. But early on, I learnt that the stream I was in was 'special' and the rest of the world (or school) belonged to 'normal' people. It was a bit complicated for I don't think back then the teachers had sufficiently explained why were we in 'tudungs' and the rest of the school's pupils may opt whether to wear them or not. Then, thoughts that those not covering their 'aurah' as 'bad' Muslim circulated. I can't helped being influenced too. In a way, these thoughts had sown a judgmental culture into us. It was not as problematic once we moved to the new school because we all became of the 'same kind and looks' but it had somehow affected how I saw the whole situation.
Embarking my study in IIUM saw me understanding Islam in a slightly diverse version, since the university not only serve students from all walks of life in the country but also worldwide. Until I studied in IIUM I have always considered the Malaysian version Islam I got from school, as the worldwide version. Of course, that thought was somewhat far-fetched, especially when it came to some of the locally and internationally group of students in IIUM. They were a wide range of students' background, including either from which state, school, status, organisational they came from and how they see Islam. For some groups, even their looks and appearance differs.
For the first 3-4 years, I didn't think much of these differences. Although I noticed that those with the more 'pious' looks will only mingle with their kinds and the more modern outgoing ones would stick to their kinds too :-) As for me, I have always believed in a moderate Islam and I have never claimed to be in either groups. And truthfully, I couldn't relate to either. One will be pointing to the other as less Islamic and the other will stressed on the 'rigidity' of the other. And that does not include the groups sponsored by some political or sect figures :-P They were even more confused lots in my view haha... Their vision of Islam was attached mostly to a particular figure. It was observing them, that I realized how shallow my previous view of Islam was and how problematic theirs can be. To me it didn't make any sense at all. Even my families, from both sides of my parents are mostly a strong supporter of one of these groups. Again, I can't really relate to how some of them projected Islam. To me there's just too many contradictions. How can one be so sure of one's 'Islamicity' based on looks and appearance?? Who are they to be the judge of that??
My final year had somewhat ingrained this 'not making sense' idea. Then I was involved in a stressful and heart-draining problematic case. I need to face this - most times alone. I had a couple of friends I knew from school also doing Law which I would consult from time to time, but the rest of my university mates remained as mere rumor mongers including the pious looking ones! Not much help there in solving my problems. At a point, when I can't stand it any longer I moved to another block, joining interestingly all the other outcast and misfits. It's with them I learn the true meaning of friendship. They had accepted me as their friends without questioning. We had this secret code of conduct, we only tell what is necessary, and if we are not comfortable, we will keep it to ourselves and the rest of us should not press for the matter any longer. When the time was right, some of them did actually share their problems. And I learnt not to be judgmental of their problem as I didn't want the same judgmental views from them. And the best of all, despite all their problems, they were kind-hearted to the core. Alhamdulillah, with them supporting me, I had still managed to concentrate on my studies and proved everyone how wrong they were about me. It's also with them, I understood that your dress code didn't necessarily, pass the Fiqh Ibadah, implied the depth of your understanding of Islam. Some of them saw Islam in a much more astounding overall concept, through a wider-lensed view of things. They saw Islam pass themselves. They saw Islam unselfishly. They saw Islam beyond appearance. They saw Islam as life. So I hold on to that, till today. Islam - my life.
Most of the 'Islam' I got in my early years in school was focused on Fiqh Ibadah, Fardhu 'Ain stuff, although the Ustaz would sometimes ventured into some extra point of views. But I dare say those early classes had a great impact on me. I have always felt being 'watched' since then. I would always have a conversation with God, asking Him at times why some of the things had to happen to me. Then, during my secondary school, since it was an 'Islamic' boarding school, I received a more 'advanced' version of the fundamentals. But during these early teenage and adoslescent years being all the way in KL, the teachings of Islam in my school was to my view very moderate, fundamental teachings and tend not to be affiliated to any particular organisation in Malaysia. The first three years before we moved school to Kepong, also saw me mixing with the other girls from the 'non-religious' stream classes in Puteri Wilayah. They were in my view then a bit 'different' of course. But early on, I learnt that the stream I was in was 'special' and the rest of the world (or school) belonged to 'normal' people. It was a bit complicated for I don't think back then the teachers had sufficiently explained why were we in 'tudungs' and the rest of the school's pupils may opt whether to wear them or not. Then, thoughts that those not covering their 'aurah' as 'bad' Muslim circulated. I can't helped being influenced too. In a way, these thoughts had sown a judgmental culture into us. It was not as problematic once we moved to the new school because we all became of the 'same kind and looks' but it had somehow affected how I saw the whole situation.
Embarking my study in IIUM saw me understanding Islam in a slightly diverse version, since the university not only serve students from all walks of life in the country but also worldwide. Until I studied in IIUM I have always considered the Malaysian version Islam I got from school, as the worldwide version. Of course, that thought was somewhat far-fetched, especially when it came to some of the locally and internationally group of students in IIUM. They were a wide range of students' background, including either from which state, school, status, organisational they came from and how they see Islam. For some groups, even their looks and appearance differs.
For the first 3-4 years, I didn't think much of these differences. Although I noticed that those with the more 'pious' looks will only mingle with their kinds and the more modern outgoing ones would stick to their kinds too :-) As for me, I have always believed in a moderate Islam and I have never claimed to be in either groups. And truthfully, I couldn't relate to either. One will be pointing to the other as less Islamic and the other will stressed on the 'rigidity' of the other. And that does not include the groups sponsored by some political or sect figures :-P They were even more confused lots in my view haha... Their vision of Islam was attached mostly to a particular figure. It was observing them, that I realized how shallow my previous view of Islam was and how problematic theirs can be. To me it didn't make any sense at all. Even my families, from both sides of my parents are mostly a strong supporter of one of these groups. Again, I can't really relate to how some of them projected Islam. To me there's just too many contradictions. How can one be so sure of one's 'Islamicity' based on looks and appearance?? Who are they to be the judge of that??
My final year had somewhat ingrained this 'not making sense' idea. Then I was involved in a stressful and heart-draining problematic case. I need to face this - most times alone. I had a couple of friends I knew from school also doing Law which I would consult from time to time, but the rest of my university mates remained as mere rumor mongers including the pious looking ones! Not much help there in solving my problems. At a point, when I can't stand it any longer I moved to another block, joining interestingly all the other outcast and misfits. It's with them I learn the true meaning of friendship. They had accepted me as their friends without questioning. We had this secret code of conduct, we only tell what is necessary, and if we are not comfortable, we will keep it to ourselves and the rest of us should not press for the matter any longer. When the time was right, some of them did actually share their problems. And I learnt not to be judgmental of their problem as I didn't want the same judgmental views from them. And the best of all, despite all their problems, they were kind-hearted to the core. Alhamdulillah, with them supporting me, I had still managed to concentrate on my studies and proved everyone how wrong they were about me. It's also with them, I understood that your dress code didn't necessarily, pass the Fiqh Ibadah, implied the depth of your understanding of Islam. Some of them saw Islam in a much more astounding overall concept, through a wider-lensed view of things. They saw Islam pass themselves. They saw Islam unselfishly. They saw Islam beyond appearance. They saw Islam as life. So I hold on to that, till today. Islam - my life.
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