Zero Interest

I seem to have lost interest in a lot of things nowadays. Life appears bland. For 4 years, I woke up everyday 'looking forward' to finishing my thesis and suddenly now I'm somehow without a point of focus. Friends still struggling to finalize theirs will definitely say I 'meroyan' to be feeling this way hahaha... Well, maybe I am :-p

Seriously, I am trying to pick up my life where I left off. But after 2 months it's not picking any momentum. I thought when I start teaching I will be alright, but so far I am dreading going to class. I think I still love teaching, however it doesn't seem to give me the joy I used to feel. Malaysian students' 'way' are also not helping. They are just 'there' accepting what you say without question. They all looked like baby birds ready to be fed and they are not even chirping!!

At home, most things are still left in boxes and I have lost interest in saying anything about them anymore to my DH. He'd say he was going to sort them out for the past few months and I have no interest to argue on 'progress'. Alhamdulillah, I have been given my own office room last week and I'm starting the make over project this week. Well, at least something to look forward too :-)

But other than that; life is back at doing the same 'mandom' things I used to do pre-phd and even more. I have even lost interest in watching any TV or movie or worst - reading for the past few months. Books still interest me but I couldn't get past browsing them and that's the most I do. And there's hundreds of them at home I haven't even touch, what more to read them.

I thought maybe I should have a new project. So I am trying to secure a new grant and start a research project. It seems to be starting off well; however I need to find the enthusiasm I used to have when I'm doing my PhD or else the whole thing will fall apart. Truth be told; I know life must move on and it will. That's what I kept telling myself. But apart from going along with my daily law of nature, I have no idea what 'move on' means anymore.

I am still talking to a few of my PhD friends, struggling with their PhD and sometimes told them of my 'problem'. Most would laugh it off. Well, at least they find solace in my 'craziness' ;-) for now they know that they are people more 'meroyan' than them. Most of them even have 'additional' family issues, so having crazy me as friends made life seems a bit fair hahaha... I wish and pray that they will finish theirs in time and joined me in my 'gilaness' :-p

I will need to snap out of this zero interest zone. At times, I even lost interest in food. I seem to be losing more weight in the past few weeks. My current weight is the lightest I have been in my adult years and I am fine with it. If I lose some more, then I will be 'flying'! I don't think that's a pretty sight ;-)

I now wonder; could it be I'm depressed. Post PhD blues perhaps? hmmm... don't know what to think anymore... Please, my Lord; lend me some light to see me through... The lyrics from 'Memandang Awan' suddenly crossed my mind, may Allah 'Hujankan diriku dengan sentuhan jiwa, biar menjadi kasih abadi'.