Regrets

Throughout my life, I have had my share of disagreement with several people. Some were my friends, well I thought they were back then, some others were acquaintances, people you met due to some out of the ordinary situations, and some were those that came into my life that I simply cannot go along with no matter how hard I try (or not try, because for some reasons, I just can’t get along with them. Well, you can go in circles :-P).

    

Those who knew me well would definitely understand the rationales behind all my fall outs with these people. I don’t wake up every morning thinking of ways for people to be disgruntled with me. In fact I usually wake up thinking the opposite. Nowadays, I even make it an aim to make someone’s life a little bit easier or happier, even if that means just by smiling and giving my salam to strangers. That by itself is big feat for me, because I used to be a person who wanted to keep things to myself.  I am by nature not such a person. I am actually a happy go lucky kinda person, the one that would scream at the top of her lungs on top of a mountain she loved to climb! It’s a wonder how years of wall-building around you, can actually change one’s outer layers. So If I find myself in hot water with these people, I usually have valid reason to be in such situation. Funny thing, some of these people were at times so blinded by their own incompetence and condescending attitude that they pretend that nothing was wrong. Life simply goes on for them, while I am left picking up the mess they've created.

I do not regret these fall outs. I have actually learnt a lot from them. Well, maybe I regret one or two of them. Mostly I regret the way I had handle them. I regret not being able to say to their faces how insulting they have been, and how inconsiderate they were, and how low they have sunk, in trying to achieve what they had wanted at the expense of me or some others that I care about. Yes, I regret being the nice one, and I know I had it in me to just lay it out in the open and stunned them. But I didn't. I chose not to, not because I am better than them. But more so, because I hated confrontation. That’s one main reason I chose not to be a lawyer. Confrontation will always rear its ugly head…in me. I have difficulty keeping my cool. Maybe I have manage to do so now, way better than when I was younger, but still, I hated seeing myself losing control. Because as much as it shows how ‘mad’ I could be, it also most times manage to show how vulnerable I can be too. Once I have shown that side of me, it's fairly very difficult to get back to - a 'walled-up' me. 

‘Yes, I regret knowing you. I regret being led to be a pawn on your chess board!! Life would have been happier not knowing of your sore, miserable, whining self. I hope someday, you’ll eventually find someone who’d be willing to share your 'sorry' state of life. And I pray, because there's this remaining 'niceness' in me, you’ll be a changed person. Who knows I won’t regret knowing you that much, then.”

A/T: This post is dedicated to a friend of mine – who simply ask me today: “Why not start writing?” My dear friend, I have been writing for awhile now. I am just not sure if I make any sense to anyone who has been reading. So just you know this, do you know you've this special ability to actually touch hearts? At the very least…mine. Thank you for listening and suggesting.