Myself - Part 3
Having 6 siblings, private space was problematic. You are so used to having your siblings around, there were fun to be with but there are times when you wished they would just give you more space to breathe hahaha... The issue of space got worst when we all moved to Ampang because my father got promoted. The old place was related only to his old job scope, so we had to let go of the place. To me it was a very sad occasion. After more than 10 years we had to say goodbye to all memories attached to the place. I wish all the huge Angsana trees surrounding the house (which are still there by the way) would remember us :( With Angsana flowers, it was always Autumn in our yards every other months :-) Love it!! Those experiences were simply irreplaceable. Compared to the old abode, our 'new' house was considered a downgrade. All those 'space' we had as children suddenly gone in an instant. With the move in economic status we lost a beloved home. I guess, we can't have them all. We all eventually got used to the smaller space. Further, most of us spent our times at boarding schools and campus hostels, so there are times when it's not too bad.
But, I learnt to do a lot more with the lost of space, I learn to guard my feeling. For there were times, private space, especially to cry your heart out over something was very limited. And as a young complicated girl trying to deal with this 'funny' life and the complications that come along with it, there were lots occasions for that, but unfortunately not many 'opportunity' to do so. So I restrained myself and started writing. I write the most when I am in pain. I write about life. I write about how I feel. I dare say I write all my pain away. Sometimes I sent my writings to the school magazine. Some got through ;-) So I found out writing as a mechanism to deal with hurt and pain at an earlier age. Funny thing, when I am happy, I wrote rubbish! hehehe I guess perhaps it's true, most good writers are tormented souls.
Guarding my feelings is also a defence mechanism against getting too involved and therefore, I thought then, there will be less hurt and pain if something goes wrong. Some would ask, what is there to be hurtful or painful of? You were just teenagers then! haha...Well, I guess I am a very sensitive person. And I rarely do things halfway. If I love and care for something/someone, I do it through and through. And if I despise something/someone, I will hate it with a vengeance (pretty bad, I know) So I am a bit of a drama queen, then (well, maybe still a bit of that left haha). You see, doing both, love and hate at extreme levels, tend to hurt you more. So after several times being in that situation, I learn to guard my true feelings and became rather aloof. Most people who don't know me would say the same thing when they first met me. It took some time for me to warm up to others, not because I don't love people, but most times because I tend to love them too much. So when they don't live up to my expectations, I tend to feel betrayed.
However, nowadays I no longer see things that way. I realized now that Allah has made everyone, everything with its own purpose and function in life. Some may be there to make you happy, some make your life miserable, some make you think, some is just there for you, while some needs you to be there for them. So it's unfair for me to either just love them or hate them for they being there have different aims in my life. It's also unfair for me to ask for similar treatments because that's not how life works. I see my life events and the people attached in them as opportunity for me to be grateful and to serve my dues in this temporary life. Even bad things have a reason to be there. For example, I became a better writer when in pain :-P. These days, I learn to let my guard down, well, at least the first few layers of them, especially in the right occasion. You can't blame a girl for being extra cautious ;-) My love is precious :-P
Having worked for the past couple of years and proceeding with my PhD, I have also improved, I think, my public relations skills (which is not truthfully, in my nature -I'd prefer to be direct!). Past expereriences at work had taught me that some people cannot take or do no take the naked truth too kindly. Now, I tend to observe situations and the people involved before making my statements. There are ways to get into people's mind and telling them directly that they suck, is not the way to go hahaha. My PhD experiences had also taught me that everyone, no matter how low their ranks in your life, are important to you. I need to be nice (and act nice hehe) to everyone or at least try to! It's difficult for me, for being aloof all my life seems a safer thing to do. Opening up, even a little, on my part, is scary because it tends to also expose my vulnerabilities. But I have accepted the fact that it's alright to be vulnerable, because that increases our humility in life. Our life in this world is dependent on others. Allah has made it that way, so we can worked out how to go along with one another. I must say, this exercise of 'opening up' have recently allowed me to get acquainted with people, some seniors with vast experiences either in my line of work or even life in general. Seniors, especially ladies actually make great companies :-). Just pray you found the right ones ;-)
But, I learnt to do a lot more with the lost of space, I learn to guard my feeling. For there were times, private space, especially to cry your heart out over something was very limited. And as a young complicated girl trying to deal with this 'funny' life and the complications that come along with it, there were lots occasions for that, but unfortunately not many 'opportunity' to do so. So I restrained myself and started writing. I write the most when I am in pain. I write about life. I write about how I feel. I dare say I write all my pain away. Sometimes I sent my writings to the school magazine. Some got through ;-) So I found out writing as a mechanism to deal with hurt and pain at an earlier age. Funny thing, when I am happy, I wrote rubbish! hehehe I guess perhaps it's true, most good writers are tormented souls.
Guarding my feelings is also a defence mechanism against getting too involved and therefore, I thought then, there will be less hurt and pain if something goes wrong. Some would ask, what is there to be hurtful or painful of? You were just teenagers then! haha...Well, I guess I am a very sensitive person. And I rarely do things halfway. If I love and care for something/someone, I do it through and through. And if I despise something/someone, I will hate it with a vengeance (pretty bad, I know) So I am a bit of a drama queen, then (well, maybe still a bit of that left haha). You see, doing both, love and hate at extreme levels, tend to hurt you more. So after several times being in that situation, I learn to guard my true feelings and became rather aloof. Most people who don't know me would say the same thing when they first met me. It took some time for me to warm up to others, not because I don't love people, but most times because I tend to love them too much. So when they don't live up to my expectations, I tend to feel betrayed.
However, nowadays I no longer see things that way. I realized now that Allah has made everyone, everything with its own purpose and function in life. Some may be there to make you happy, some make your life miserable, some make you think, some is just there for you, while some needs you to be there for them. So it's unfair for me to either just love them or hate them for they being there have different aims in my life. It's also unfair for me to ask for similar treatments because that's not how life works. I see my life events and the people attached in them as opportunity for me to be grateful and to serve my dues in this temporary life. Even bad things have a reason to be there. For example, I became a better writer when in pain :-P. These days, I learn to let my guard down, well, at least the first few layers of them, especially in the right occasion. You can't blame a girl for being extra cautious ;-) My love is precious :-P
Having worked for the past couple of years and proceeding with my PhD, I have also improved, I think, my public relations skills (which is not truthfully, in my nature -I'd prefer to be direct!). Past expereriences at work had taught me that some people cannot take or do no take the naked truth too kindly. Now, I tend to observe situations and the people involved before making my statements. There are ways to get into people's mind and telling them directly that they suck, is not the way to go hahaha. My PhD experiences had also taught me that everyone, no matter how low their ranks in your life, are important to you. I need to be nice (and act nice hehe) to everyone or at least try to! It's difficult for me, for being aloof all my life seems a safer thing to do. Opening up, even a little, on my part, is scary because it tends to also expose my vulnerabilities. But I have accepted the fact that it's alright to be vulnerable, because that increases our humility in life. Our life in this world is dependent on others. Allah has made it that way, so we can worked out how to go along with one another. I must say, this exercise of 'opening up' have recently allowed me to get acquainted with people, some seniors with vast experiences either in my line of work or even life in general. Seniors, especially ladies actually make great companies :-). Just pray you found the right ones ;-)
Ina, It seems post phd life is a reflection phase. One finishing hers told me the same, the journey of phd itself will make you a better person. Cheers
ReplyDelete