Politicking Supervision

As I watched over Umar, trying to do a peekaboo with both his tiny hands, I realized that there are just too many things to be grateful for. I smiled at him. He smiled back. Content. But there I was, reading a text on my mobile and wondering about what could have been. Disappointment and frustration abound.

The text acknowledged that my attempts at becoming a supervisor have failed. This was my fifth attempt. Probably they were all not meant to be, not my rezeki, probably it's for the best, probably there's some wisdom behind it all that is yet to be clear to me. Still, I couldn't help feeling devastated. I had so many things in my mind that I had wanted to do, to research, to venture into. The range is so 'unrestrained', that I even went into studying Airbnb and its impact on Halal Tourism in Malaysia. Yes, it's not typical legal research, just like when I went into researching social media influencers. But I was about to be offered a grant by the Islamic Tourism Centre for the Airbnb's research proposal and had it not been because of the Covid19, we would have been going around interviewing Airbnb's hosts already last April. So, when this supervisory attempt falls through yet again, I felt exceptionally exasperated, especially when I thought of all the time I invested in each particular attempts and the dashing of hopes that came with every single failed attempt. My hopes; were pretty straight forward, to be able to become a supervisor in order to acquire and share new knowledge, learn from the experience and somehow, someday become adept at this research supervisory role. How is that so hard to understand?? 

Should I be Thomas Edison? Try and try again? But Edison dealt with something far less complicated than the politics of supervision. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am so not cut out for this. And the way each attempt went south just leave a bad taste in my mouth. The thing is from the 5 attempts, 4 of them were student-initiated, it wasn't like I was selling myself nor lobbying for them from anyone else. I had wanted to write and pour my heart on how I was wronged but is it really worth it? Why and how would these people care anyway? Supervisory responsibility is an amanah first, not a criterion for fulfilling KPIs and promotion per se. Does everyone see it that way? These students, they are not mere names and matric numbers on a piece of paper you hogged and showed off to others. They have lives, hopes and aspirations. They spent time, money and effort to be under your expert tutelage. How can anyone live with themselves if whatever promotion they got, KPIs they fulfilled, partly ride and rest on a less than stellar supervisory roles & performance? Halalan? Toyyiban? Baroqah? You think? 

I have been supervised by a far more responsible & ethical supervisor and academician, to choose to be a mediocre one. He was a mentor, still is. Perhaps, Allah is holding me back, so I don't get to be asked in the hereafter for my part in any supervisory role until I found an exact match to my personality and aspirations and have the power to deflect the politicking behind it all. Supervision involved a one to one apprenticeship, not mass production of students whom we listed on certificates of completion. It's supposed to be a professional relationship, yet can & will become personal at some level. And if they are struggling, how can we simply hide behind the catchphrase of all time - 'it's the students' responsibility to get all this done'? Is it that simple? Have we done and tried everything in our power to get it all sorted out before we decide that the student is a lost case?? 

Oh well...I wouldn't know. I am no longer a supervisor.

I think, instead, I will go supervise Umar's playtime now. I am - still, a mother, always... 😁