Can you see what I see?

Nothing can hide the fact that I am very disappointed with my current predicament. Alhamdulillah, there must be some wisdom behind it all that I am yet to understand or will ever be made to understand.

But if by showing my disappointment somehow translated as me being demanding, ungrateful, and troublesome, then I guess you don’t really know me.

Full Stop

Well, at least that was what, and how I felt last week. This week I am too tired chasing after my hours and hours of classes that I cannot feel anything much except for exhaustion. I guess age is catching up with me or it's the stress of having too many teaching hours. But I really do love my job. It's just that I can't say I have equivalent feelings for the people who runs this place where I spent most hours of my day. Yes, not everyone wanted to be here, and do this. I do, well at least I still feel like doing it, but not at the expense of my health. They said they'll pay us for those extra hours. But I can't take that money if I can't perform, if I'm too exhausted to even speak and handle classes, and thus perform half-heartedly. 

Seriously, for as long as this place runs two main academic calendars (degrees & diplomas) with inadequate personnel and facilities, on a non parallel schedule, nothing much will change. This is total 'crapness' of the highest order, especially when we are all stressed into running an overlapped academic sessions!!!

Nowadays, not only that the powers that be thought everything is under control, (because they never had to teach more than 10 hours per week anyway) and continue with less than average welfare concerns for this dying breed of passionate lecturers, even some of the students carry themselves as if being here is a birth right of theirs and they can do no wrong. But of course, there will be days, when students whom you gave your trust and respect, respect you back by being trustworthy, respectable and reliable. Alhamdulillah, that really made everything worth the while.

You can't help but prayed and wished for so many things, but that only leads to frustration, then frustration only leads to stress. So I thought I'd stopped wondering and work at how to make my students learn how to learn. In fact, even that at times leads to frustration. But at least I think I have some amount of 'control' over what I want them to learn. I believe a good change always starts small but consistent. Istiqamah, that's the key. But seriously, at times it's difficult to be consistent, when you're simply fed up with things. It's like I thought I'm making progress, but the truth is I'm barely moving. But I can't give up, right? Soldier on, right? Well, whatever it is this song really says it all, my brain is too exhausted to make my own conclusion:

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us

It's time to make our move, I'm shakin' off the rust

I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years

Steady hands just take the wheel
Every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal
For the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Can you see what I see?