Free Me

"And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain." --Khalil Gibran

Or so was said by Mr Gibran. But I failed to see how without words in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. I sense no joy, only pain. Perhaps what we need is proper parting so we are not leave wondering. But good friends stay in your hearts regardless of the need to meet or part, isn't it? I simply don't know. But he was right, in the sense that in the absence of such person you realised what is it that you missed about him or her.

And in this particular occassion, I realized perhaps there's nothing much that I actually missed except for some exchange of laughters. Even deep thoughts and discussion of certain issues are plaqued with lack of consistencies and serious consideration, bordering on useless exchange of words. But isn't laughters the best medicine. All the time?? Perhaps, maybe, I don't know. But I know that it's time to move on. I have told this to myself many-many times before. There's no point being with people that used to bring out the worst in me. But as Yasmin Mogahed once said, there are some things that will continue to frustrate you, until you let go completely.

And I understand what it was. Anger. I am still angry, although I don't need to or don't have the right to be. Perhaps because I cared too much. Perhaps because these people think I'm always there for them. Perhaps because I wanted the very best for them. But I realised, they may not necessarily feel the same way. It's frustrating, yes it was. I have to stop being angry. But must I simply care less, be absent and wish nothing for them? It doesn't make sense. Is that the solution? No, no, there must be another way. I wanted to still care, be there and wish them all their very best and be happy regardless of whether the feeling is mutual or reciprocated. Only then, I understand I have reached the position of completely letting go. And only then would I really have moved on.

But how do I do that? There's no point showing your happiness at the expense of other people's misery just because you wanted to get even. But I need to break this cycle. In order for that, I need to see the truth and accept it as the truth state of things. How do I seek what is truth? By not being blinded by illusion, by things that's not there, by putting my own expectations. I need to openly accept that sometimes, what it is, is simply what it is. There's no need to dig the rationales of the current state of things, for fear I will fall back into the cycle of anger and therefore the inability to let go. And my biggest mistake was, I have often mistaken expectations of the truth with truth. So when it failed to materialize I became angry and frustrated. I have to keep reminding myself that I simply have to stop writing other people's screenplay. It's theirs and not mine to meddle with.

I recently was in conversation with a new friend, who had all this 'fancy' strong life principles and believe and appear to be borne with those principles. But now this person is stung with infatuation, most of those principles seem to have been bypassed, and failed to be applied. She had failed to see the truth, because she was blinded with the illusion that perhaps she is in love. I know how that feel, trickery of your emotion and soul that defeat your mind. And at the end of it all, if she's lucky she would have found a soul mate in that person she's infatuated with or else she would be in circles of anger again and again for have being cheated. The thing is, she hasn't realized, she was cheated not by others, but by herself. She's naive and she didn't even realized it. And when she thought she's in love, she became even more naive and open to be jabbed in the heart. This is all so predictable. I simply can't allow myself to be in that situation, where my heart overtakes most of my judgment. No, they have to be working together, not against one another. I have seen and been in too much realities of realities to realize that life doesn't work that way. Although there's more to this situation than meets the eye, but I won't allow myself to be angry at what I termed as 'nothing at all'. It's not worth it. These people are not worth it.

I seriously need to let go and focus on my priorities now. I will go offline if needs be. I need to finalise my corrections soon. I need to do a hyteroscopy for my uterus for a continual bleeding problem and immediately after a laproscopy for a persistent cyst. For that I need to go gynae and hospital hunting as early as next week. I need to get and do better for myself and those around me, those that really matters most for me, those that had always care for me, and is always there for me and wish me all the very best. And for those people who doesn't consider myself worth their time, I will always try to keep you in my prayers at the very least, In Sha Allah :-)

Me ~ Sick of 'poshness'! I'm not posh, have never been and God Forbid, I will never be. Sorry? You disagree? Well, you can posh yourself!!